Heightened sexual intelligence can prevent infidelity. Here’s how to strengthen your bedroom bond.
Wondered why seemingly smart, intelligent men and women in steady relationships cheat on their partners? Often, it has to do with the attitude towards the S-word. Infidelity (the prime reason behind a break-up) happens because couples lack sexual intelligence.
To fix your relationship problems, up your sexual intelligence quotient first. Counsellor Uttam Dave tells you how to go about it.
The concept
Sexual intelligence isn’t just a catchy new-age relationship term. It is a scientifically researched phrase in use since the 1990s. Researchers at the University of Massachusetts created a standardised 44-point test to measure sexual intelligence. Conceptually it signifies three things:
• Being informed about sexuality.
• Understanding the sexual self.
• Inter-personal skills.
• Sexual intelligence not only helps you understand infidelity better, it also helps solve sexual problems, and increase marital satisfaction.
WHY PEOPLE STRAY
To understand sexual intelligence, you must know why people stray. You develop a roving eye when:
Romance is dead: If you feel love has flown out of the window after marriage, communicate with your spouse. Those who don’t, try to find replacements in others’ arms.
• Remedy: Seek a counsellor’s help at the first signs of the death of romance for the psychological break-up happens much before the legal one. Else, make conscious efforts to rekindle romance — read articles, plan activities, holiday together…
Emotional needs are not met: Do you listen and understand your partner’s anxieties and unexpressed feelings? When you feel your emotional needs are not understood you turn to people who do.
• Remedy: Be more sensitive towards and in tune with your partner’s needs. E.g. If a working spouse comes home, stressed after work and the stay-at-home spouse starts nagging immediately, it shows lack of understanding of his/her needs.
Couples can’t communicate: There might be so much suppressed anger and lack of interpersonal skills that partners stop talking to each other — perfect setting for infidelity.
• Remedy: Have more of positive communication — indulge in more praise, less criticism. Learn the art of appreciation and complimenting.
Accidental infidelity: Sometimes men and women in perfectly happy relationships stray. Such infidelity is not planned, it happens on the spur of the moment when they can’t resist temptation. E.g. You meet an old flame when you are alone.
• Remedy: The moment you feel tempted, call your partner. It will help distract your mind. If you are staying in a hotel, have a friend or relative come over. Else, make plans to have fun in a group. Just make a conscious effort to avoid temptation, however sexy s/he may be.
Mid-life crisis: You may want to appear attractive and wanted, but don’t get any attention. Result: you fall for someone new.
• Remedy: Go for menopause and andropause counselling. Reassure your spouse about that s/he is still attractive and desired.
WAYS TO AVOID INFIDELITY
Extramarital relationships can be in several categories — flirting, kissing and blind dates to short and long-term affairs. Increasing sex IQ is a sure way to fortify a relationship:
Develop sexual empathy: When people cheat, they don’t think about what it’s like to be the victim. Envision the damage of your actions on your marriage.
• The marriage/relationship will end
• It might continue, but with a gap
• There will be guilt, anger and resentment on both sides
• Discover your secret sexual self Develop positive and emotionally comfortable associations with sex If you lack here, you can never be aware of your desires, frustrations and feelings. Then you won’t develop intimacy with your partner and be stuck in a superficial relationship. To discover your sexual self:
• Create a sexual wish list: Write your first and then subsequent sexual encounters. What did you like, dislike or feel about each? From this will emerge a pattern that’ll show your attitude and beliefs about sex. Explore them and change the negative associations with positive ones.
• Touch yourself: If you still find it difficult to control temptation, it’s best to touch yourself — a technique that always works.
Ultimately, your relationship can be saved only if you want it to be — it has to come from within. But if the love has truly vanished, it’s best to separate.