Intercourse minus adequate foreplay can drain the satisfaction out of your sex life. Dr Rajan Bhonsle tells you how to get the most out of fooling around 
| When your woman complains of an ‘empty’ feeling post sex, don’t start doubting the size and its adequacy. More often than not, it’s lack of foreplay that is responsible for the dissatisfaction. An ideal sexual encounter, which satisfies both man and woman, would be one in which there is adequate, mutually satisfying and equally participated foreplay, and where the man does not attempt to penetrate unless the woman indicates that she is fully aroused. Here’s what you must keep in mind the next time you begin the countdown to ‘O’. What you need There are three pre-requisites for satisfying foreplay. The first is genuine attraction for each other, the second is complete privacy, and the third is a state of relaxation and harmony with no negative emotions such as fear, guilt, doubt, anxiety, anguish, distress, anger, despair or worry clouding the moment. Besides these prerequisites, it is also necessary that both the partners are in a state of good physical health without any pain, discomfort, illness or malady. How long? Indulging in foreplay is extremely important before intercourse. It should last till the partner is ready for intercourse and expresses such readiness. For partners who are attracted to each other, and share affection for each other, 15 - 20 minutes of foreplay is usually adequate. If the relationship is strained due to any reason, any length of foreplay may not be adequate, as the pre-requisites of relaxation and harmony are absent. The right spots When touched by a ‘loving partner’ at a ‘willing moment’ in a ‘special manner’, erogenous zones can give him/her intense physical pleasure. However, if the same areas are touched by a stranger at an unwelcome moment, they can be a put-off. Some obvious erogenous zones include the lips, breasts and genitals. Other erogenous zones could include the neck, ears, feet, and thighs, and usually vary from person to person. Explore your own and your partner’s body to find out exactly what the individual erogenous zones are. Communicate Both partners need to be comfortable with each other. They need to understand and value each other’s sexual needs and communicate openly and clearly about the feelings of pleasure or discomfort that the sexual activity causes. Don’t rush It is recommended to not rush into physical intimacy, but to get to know each other, feel comfortable and emotionally intimate with each other, so that such emotional intimacy naturally culminates into physical intimacy. Be gentle Be gentle during foreplay. Involve your partner lovingly and avoid aggressive touching and squeezing. Only when she is ready and well-lubricated, should you engage in intercourse. It Minimises pain Yes, intercourse may hurt for the first time, however the pain is transient. Moreover, it can be greatly minimised by helping each other relax, and if adequate foreplay is done to prepare each other for intercourse. Pain during intercourse is invariably due to a lack of lubrication and lack of lubrication is invariably due to inadequate and/or inappropriate foreplay. With satisfying and extended foreplay, it is always easier to enjoy intercourse and even experience orgasm. Relationship quotient Sexual activity is not meant only for procreation. It contributes to pleasure and enjoyment as well. It is also a means of intimate communication, bonding and expressing love for each other for which foreplay plays a pivotal role. The satisfaction or dissatisfaction contributes greatly to the attitudes and behaviour of both partners towards each other in other aspects of their relationship. Don’t ignore ‘afterplay’ A woman’s need for tender moments goes beyond the actual lovemaking. It is true that when a man is having sex, his endorphin level is very high. Almost immediately after ejaculation, he goes through a refractory phase in which he loses his erection. He crashes and all his systems gear down. Men tend to fall asleep due to this immediately after sex. This phase is instantaneous in men, whereas in women, it happens gradually. However among men, the sleep or tiredness is never so overpowering that they cannot overcome it. If a man wants to and cares enough, it is not very difficult for him keep awake. So junk that sleepiness and concentrate on her! Dr Rajan Bhonsle is a senior sex therapist and counselor When touched by a ‘loving partner’ at a ‘willing moment’ in a ‘special manner’, erogenous zones give intense pleasure |