I am simply not lucky in love.’ ‘Blame my stars!’ ‘My friends don’t approve of him/her.’ ‘There is zero chemistry between us.’ Often, these are the reasons habitual-singletons trot out as explanation for their dating disasters. People who find it supremely difficult to find a partner believe something will ‘click’ when they meet the ‘one’. Sure, it does. But only in mushy romcoms.
The first rule of seeking a partner is to know what you are looking for. A good relationship doesn’t drop from heaven. You need to put in effort, have an open mind and be ready to experiment. Mostly, it’s your own inhibiting behaviour patterns — something that you might not be aware of yourself — that are responsible for your singledom. All you need to do is identify and rectify them to enhance your chance of finding a mate.
1. Emotional baggage: If the anger and hurt of your past break-up hasn’t gone away, it gets transferred to a new relationship. Sometimes you tend to date on the rebound but it can rarely fructify into something meaningful.
Course correction: Get into a new relationship only when you are free from the negative emotions of the past one. Jot your feelings in a diary. This helps get it out of the system. Else, go to a counsellor.
2. Lack of job satisfaction: Personal life, social life and work life — ideally there should be balance in all three. But lack of job satisfaction spills onto other aspects of your life. Two offshoots of job stress are discontentment and complaints. Your stresses will prevent you from having fun or healthy conversations. Unknowingly, you tend to project your problems to him/her. Reason enough for them to keep you at an arm’s length.
Course correction: Change jobs. Learn how to control stress. And make a conscious choice not to just talk only about work problems to your date.
3. A victim complex: Modern guys and girls like their partners to be capable and independent. If you are forever putting on the ‘helpless’ act, never having the ways and means to solve problems, it is unlikely you’ll land a lasting relationship.
Course correction: Take concrete steps to up your problem-solving skills. Try to handle a situation yourself instead of depending on others.
4. Being a control freak: So you have taken a fancy to this new hot guy/gal. But don’t spoil it all by trying to own him/her, especially in the initial stages. As humans we like freedom and when somebody pressurises, you feel claustrophobic.
Course correction: Being a control freak indicates lack of confidence. It’s a deep-rooted problem which needs professional help.
5. Not responsible enough: This essentially means you are not sensitive to someone else’s feelings. For instance, standing up a date because you had important work not only shows poor use of time, but also creates a bad first impression. Remember, people take first impressions very seriously.
Course correction: Be accountable, don’t overpromise and fail to deliver. Maintain a journal whenever you err. Have a support person whom you can share this note with. Making judicious use time would also make you responsible.
6. Fear of Rejection: The forever-singletons often lack confidence. And prime among their fears is that of rejection. You are cushioning yourself against imagined failure (probably arising from a failed relationship) which makes you non-experimental and dull in your approach. E.g.: even if someone asks you out, your first impulse would be to refuse.
Course correction: The only way out is to try the things you are afraid of. Do some rehearsal exercises or role-play with your friends. Then carry them out in real life. Maybe then you won’t fumble for words if s/he approaches you.
7. Not listening: Listening comprises four stages — hearing, attending, understanding and remembering. Also there are two types of ‘listening’ — active, which encompasses the above qualities, and passive where you are only paying half-attention. If you can’t listen, you won’t understand the person, then how can you expect to take the communication further? Your potential suitors would obviously feel neglected.
Course correction: Instead of simply nodding your head vacantly, if you are pre-occupied, excuse yourself and have the conversation later. Else, learn to give your full attention to a speaker.
8. Unrealistic expectations: You want your dreamboat to own a flat in Cuffe Parade. You want a life spent holidaying in exotic destinations. You want somene who is romantic, sensitive and understands you every day. Women tend to want the best of everything — idealistic, but unrealistic.
Course correction: Get real. The ‘ideal’ or perfect person doesn’t exist. Learn to accept others, warts and all. Write down your long list of expectations. Then prune it to include the most important ones. Do it several times until you are down to just four or five qualities — that’s what you should be looking at in a partner.
9. Can’t go from ‘I’ to ‘we’: The cardinal rule of a relationship is to think ‘us’ from ‘I, me, myself’. The perennially-singles have a problem here. They love their independence far too much to share or give to others.
Course correction: Always think about the impact of your action on your potential relationship. If you are dating someone, learn to be more sensitive to his/her moods, feelings and actions. Develop a ‘team spirit’ by working in group projects at work.
10. Wrong body language: No eye contact. No smiles. An angry, menacing look. Stand-offish, dominating and not ready for criticism. Can you blame anyone for running miles away from you? Your body language says a lot about you. If you have a permanent frown, there is little chance of you attracting someone. Everyone looks for a partner who is warm, and if you carry yourself as if you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, nobody would want to meet you the second time.
Course correction: Agreed, you can’t fake a smile. But try to be happy through achievement, acceptance and affection. If you are too stressed, try and relax a bit. The smile will return to your face.
First things first
In the dating game, it’s easy to get bumped off at stage one itself. Mirror readers give out an etiquette guide.
The chase is over and you are on for the first date with the cute girl/guy who you have been eyeing for weeks. However, before you slip into the day-dream mode, know that this is also the stage where, in your quest to impress, you will make maximum mistakes.
There’s no formula to make a good impression, but keep these things in mind, and you will sail through just fine.
Groom, please
The fact that your date has agreed to go out with you means that he/she doesn’t mind being seen with you. That’s stage one cleared. But that needn’t mean you don’t take the pains to be spiffy and groomed. “Clipped (or manicured in case of women) nails and neat hair says a lot about the person. It shows that you care about this date, and hence have taken the pains to groom,” says communication executive Kirti Khemchandani. Also, ensure you keep body odour and bad breath out, PLEASE.
No, it ain’t cool
Yo man! Check out ma skull cap! Ain’t it cool? NO. Fashion needs to complement your personality, not portray a split personality disorder. “Men often wear low-waist jeans despite having no clue of whether they can carry it off or not,” adds Kirti. So save yourself some awkward embarrassment, and don’t go over the top. A flattering (not fitted) shirt with a nice pair of jeans can go a long way.
Put a lid
Rohit Baheti, a young college student and a self-proclaimed dating pro says, “When taking a girl out for the first time, don’t talk too much about yourself. Talk about her even if you have to fake interest (initially). There will be something that will strike a cord.” That women love to talk about themselves is no secret. Use that to your advantage. Chances are, she would love to call you back.
Who cares?
Nothing can be more off-putting than empty boasts. Yes, your dad owns a Merc and your colleague can get you a free entry to the best pub in the town any time you want. But so what? “It is best to impress your date by who you are, and not who you know. Do not drop names, please. It appears flashy, and shows that you need others to prove your worth,” says model Viraf Patel.
Where about
An ideal first date is a mix of fun, flirts, and of course, loads of conversation, and it is important to pick a venue that encourages all of this. “Going for an upscale expensive place may seem like a short-cut to impress, but it may not have the fun quotient that you are looking out for. Plus, the added pressure to act all ‘propah’ is just no fun,” suggests Viraf. Instead, go for a place that is cool, young and generates a chilled-out vibe, where the two of you can be your natural selves.
Don’t be Ms Shy
Nothing is a bigger turn-on than a self-assured, confident woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t mind taking the first step towards it. “Do not play the bimbo card. It’s so out. Don’t be too shy to encourage (the guy) if you want to,” says executive Uma Natrajan. And girls, be bold, sensible and no-nonsense like in your approach, not giggly and air-headed.
Pay master
This is one area where women are still confused, torn between the two extremes of ‘I am an independent woman, and hence, I will pay’ and ‘Where’s the chivalry? Why can’t he pay?’ This is also the area that often plays spoiler to an otherwise perfect date. “A note for guys: Discuss this topic at the very beginning. Let your date know that you wish to pay for both, and that you are willing to go Dutch if she isn’t comfortable with the idea,” says Viraf. And then, let her do the decision-making.
Men, watch where your eyes go. Women judge a lot, depending on where you look. And don’t think you can outsmart them. As much as possible, try and look into her eyes. You can save the 'other' gazing for later dates
The chase is over and you are on for the first date with the cute girl/guy who you have been eyeing for weeks. However, before you slip into the day-dream mode, know that this is also the stage where, in your quest to impress, you will make maximum mistakes.
There’s no formula to make a good impression, but keep these things in mind, and you will sail through just fine.
Groom, please
The fact that your date has agreed to go out with you means that he/she doesn’t mind being seen with you. That’s stage one cleared. But that needn’t mean you don’t take the pains to be spiffy and groomed. “Clipped (or manicured in case of women) nails and neat hair says a lot about the person. It shows that you care about this date, and hence have taken the pains to groom,” says communication executive Kirti Khemchandani. Also, ensure you keep body odour and bad breath out, PLEASE.
No, it ain’t cool
Yo man! Check out ma skull cap! Ain’t it cool? NO. Fashion needs to complement your personality, not portray a split personality disorder. “Men often wear low-waist jeans despite having no clue of whether they can carry it off or not,” adds Kirti. So save yourself some awkward embarrassment, and don’t go over the top. A flattering (not fitted) shirt with a nice pair of jeans can go a long way.
Put a lid
Rohit Baheti, a young college student and a self-proclaimed dating pro says, “When taking a girl out for the first time, don’t talk too much about yourself. Talk about her even if you have to fake interest (initially). There will be something that will strike a cord.” That women love to talk about themselves is no secret. Use that to your advantage. Chances are, she would love to call you back.
Who cares?
Nothing can be more off-putting than empty boasts. Yes, your dad owns a Merc and your colleague can get you a free entry to the best pub in the town any time you want. But so what? “It is best to impress your date by who you are, and not who you know. Do not drop names, please. It appears flashy, and shows that you need others to prove your worth,” says model Viraf Patel.
Where about
An ideal first date is a mix of fun, flirts, and of course, loads of conversation, and it is important to pick a venue that encourages all of this. “Going for an upscale expensive place may seem like a short-cut to impress, but it may not have the fun quotient that you are looking out for. Plus, the added pressure to act all ‘propah’ is just no fun,” suggests Viraf. Instead, go for a place that is cool, young and generates a chilled-out vibe, where the two of you can be your natural selves.
Don’t be Ms Shy
Nothing is a bigger turn-on than a self-assured, confident woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t mind taking the first step towards it. “Do not play the bimbo card. It’s so out. Don’t be too shy to encourage (the guy) if you want to,” says executive Uma Natrajan. And girls, be bold, sensible and no-nonsense like in your approach, not giggly and air-headed.
Pay master
This is one area where women are still confused, torn between the two extremes of ‘I am an independent woman, and hence, I will pay’ and ‘Where’s the chivalry? Why can’t he pay?’ This is also the area that often plays spoiler to an otherwise perfect date. “A note for guys: Discuss this topic at the very beginning. Let your date know that you wish to pay for both, and that you are willing to go Dutch if she isn’t comfortable with the idea,” says Viraf. And then, let her do the decision-making.
Men, watch where your eyes go. Women judge a lot, depending on where you look. And don’t think you can outsmart them. As much as possible, try and look into her eyes. You can save the 'other' gazing for later dates
Reclaim your love
Has your once-wonderful relationship begun to ‘itch’? Psychotherapist Dr Vijay Nagaswami tells you how to re-ignite the passion
Nothing lasts forever. Least of all romantic love. “Initially, one is filled with romance and the thoughts and ideas that accompany it. But romantic love drains both partners. The same josh isn’t there; that’s when people feel the relationship is dead,” says counsellor Dr Vijay Nagaswami, saying this is why the ‘three-year itch’ has substituted the ‘seven-year itch’. “Many couples get bored even earlier,” adds Nagaswami who details this problem in his book. Romantic love must be replaced by ‘intimate love’ — the capacity to stay connected with each other — which determines the longevity of a relationship. “The stage between the death of romantic love and the birth of intimate love is when partners drift,” he says.
Signs to watch out for
After a period of togetherness, if you ask: where has love gone?, your relationship needs repair. Look at your marriage afresh when:
• You feel unfulfilled
• You feel your partner doesn’t care for you and vice-versa
• Sex is mechanical
• Both prefer the company of others
• You have nothing to say• Conversations are just complaints.
Overhaul your relationship
Don’t despair, you can reclaim your relationship and bring back the spark.
1) Stop quantifying blame
Both partners are responsible though the tendency is to blame your partner and feel victimised. Accept responsibility and introspect on the reasons for the breakdown.
2) Make it a 50-50 relationshipTake equal responsibility for reclaiming it. It doesn’t matter who was responsible for the drift; what matters is that you’re in it together.
3) Own your relationshipYour relationship space should have only the two of you — not friends or parents. Keep others firmly out.
4) Create an emotional ambienceLearn to listen. Even if you are arguing, try and listen with objectivity and humility. Don’t view your partner as the enemy, instead see what scope there is to improve the relationship. Make a checklist of the good times you’ve had — honeymoon, holidays, etc., and keep referring to it.
5) ‘Debug’ your relationshipIdentify your ‘marriage baggage’ by understanding your respective disappointments and perceptions of togetherness. Talk and listen to each other’s ‘marriage stories’. Put your ideas of a great marriage — the way you visualise your relationship — on paper. Then compare notes. If both of you have divergent views, see how you can reach a middle ground.
6) Chart the course
Decide what you want your marriage to look like in the future by making three lists of needs: Non-negotiable, Necessary and Desirable. Non-negotiable needs are absolute no-nos — physical violence. Necessary needs include ones where there is scope for adjustment, like spending time with each other. Desirable list means needs that can work out with mutual understanding. Exchange lists. Respond to your partner’s lists honestly and accommodate his/her difficulty in responding to all your needs at one go.
7) Stay connectedPlan intimate evenings. Connect with each other through the day. Send smses to ask how the other is doing. If you come home early, switch off your cell phone to spend time with your partner.
8) Balance your life spaces
Make sure your marriage space receives the highest emotional investment vis-à-vis all your other spaces. It’s not difficult if you try hard.
9) Enjoy your ‘I’ space
Even as you engage in a transparent relationship, ensure you don’t lose your respective identities. Preserve your individuality. As the intimacy becomes better, your ‘I’ space won’t be too demanding.
— Dr Vijay Nagaswami is the author of The Fifty-50 marriage: Return to Intimacy, (Published by Westland).
Nothing lasts forever. Least of all romantic love. “Initially, one is filled with romance and the thoughts and ideas that accompany it. But romantic love drains both partners. The same josh isn’t there; that’s when people feel the relationship is dead,” says counsellor Dr Vijay Nagaswami, saying this is why the ‘three-year itch’ has substituted the ‘seven-year itch’. “Many couples get bored even earlier,” adds Nagaswami who details this problem in his book. Romantic love must be replaced by ‘intimate love’ — the capacity to stay connected with each other — which determines the longevity of a relationship. “The stage between the death of romantic love and the birth of intimate love is when partners drift,” he says.
Signs to watch out for
After a period of togetherness, if you ask: where has love gone?, your relationship needs repair. Look at your marriage afresh when:
• You feel unfulfilled
• You feel your partner doesn’t care for you and vice-versa
• Sex is mechanical
• Both prefer the company of others
• You have nothing to say• Conversations are just complaints.
Overhaul your relationship
Don’t despair, you can reclaim your relationship and bring back the spark.
1) Stop quantifying blame
Both partners are responsible though the tendency is to blame your partner and feel victimised. Accept responsibility and introspect on the reasons for the breakdown.
2) Make it a 50-50 relationshipTake equal responsibility for reclaiming it. It doesn’t matter who was responsible for the drift; what matters is that you’re in it together.
3) Own your relationshipYour relationship space should have only the two of you — not friends or parents. Keep others firmly out.
4) Create an emotional ambienceLearn to listen. Even if you are arguing, try and listen with objectivity and humility. Don’t view your partner as the enemy, instead see what scope there is to improve the relationship. Make a checklist of the good times you’ve had — honeymoon, holidays, etc., and keep referring to it.
5) ‘Debug’ your relationshipIdentify your ‘marriage baggage’ by understanding your respective disappointments and perceptions of togetherness. Talk and listen to each other’s ‘marriage stories’. Put your ideas of a great marriage — the way you visualise your relationship — on paper. Then compare notes. If both of you have divergent views, see how you can reach a middle ground.
 |
In a recent interview, Bipasha Basu confessed that there have been times when either she or John (Abraham) has wanted out. But they have clearly moved from romantic love to intimate love |
Decide what you want your marriage to look like in the future by making three lists of needs: Non-negotiable, Necessary and Desirable. Non-negotiable needs are absolute no-nos — physical violence. Necessary needs include ones where there is scope for adjustment, like spending time with each other. Desirable list means needs that can work out with mutual understanding. Exchange lists. Respond to your partner’s lists honestly and accommodate his/her difficulty in responding to all your needs at one go.
7) Stay connectedPlan intimate evenings. Connect with each other through the day. Send smses to ask how the other is doing. If you come home early, switch off your cell phone to spend time with your partner.
8) Balance your life spaces
Make sure your marriage space receives the highest emotional investment vis-à-vis all your other spaces. It’s not difficult if you try hard.
9) Enjoy your ‘I’ space
Even as you engage in a transparent relationship, ensure you don’t lose your respective identities. Preserve your individuality. As the intimacy becomes better, your ‘I’ space won’t be too demanding.
— Dr Vijay Nagaswami is the author of The Fifty-50 marriage: Return to Intimacy, (Published by Westland).
Questions 02
If I have sex with a girl on the second day of her periods, can she get pregnant? Should she take an emergency contraceptive?
It is said that the first and last seven days of the period are virtually safe. However you should use a condom so that there is no need to use pills. Despite its safety, pregnancies are known to occur. Use condoms on all days.
I’m 23 years old and my wife is 21. We got married a month ago. I find her vagina to be large. When we have sex I am able to penetrate easily. I am worried that she isn’t a virgin. Does the hymen tear after the first intercourse? I am worried. Please help.
The hymen can be of different kinds. It may be absent, or tear by a particular exercise like cycling or masturbation. Also hymen can be elastic which can be a possibility in your case. The hymen is no proof of virginity. Why are you spoiling you are married life by being suspicious and not trusting your wife?
I am 34 years old and got married a year back. Sometimes I lose my erection. If I take Musli power or Vita X immediately, will it help? If I take it once, will I have to take it every time? Will I get proper erections if I stop taking the tablets? I don’t want to depend on it.
Since this happens only sometimes, you need to identify the cause. It could be stress, work exhaustion, a quarrel with the boss or wife, etc. Take one tablet of Vigomax Forte (Charak) twice a day on an empty stomach for three weeks. You will be fine.
I am 28 years old and enjoy sex every day with my wife. She is two months pregnant. Till which month of pregnancy can we have sex Will it harm the child?
It is preferable to have sex after the first trimester as the ovum is still trying to get a hold in the uterus. Also, your wife must not be feeling good because of the morning sickness and other symptoms. You can continue having sex till the eight month with the doctor’s permission. Adopt the spoon position in which she lies facing the wall and you approach from behind. Do not perform oral sex on her.
I am 28 years old and got married a month back. Is it safe to have unprotected sex seven days before and after my wife’s periods? Her menstrual cycle starts on the first of the month. Also my penis goes soft when I go to wear the condom and then I cannot penetrate my wife.
The safe days are the first seven days of the cycle, counting from the first day of her period, and the last seven days. You can have sex on the days when the bleeding is just a streak. Open the condom pack and keep it handy. When foreplay reaches its peak, slip it on rapidly and continue.
I am 30 years old and got married in 2006. I have a son. I enjoy sex with my wife, but our intercourse time is very less — on an average, one to two minutes. I want to increase my intercourse time. Is there any medicine available in the market for this purpose?
Learn better control so that you can both have greater enjoyment during foreplay and she can reach her first orgasm. After entry, even if you finish quickly, you should ask her to continue stimulating herself (you can help with fingers) to reach her second orgasm. Try a course of Neo tablets (Charak) — one tablet twice a day for six weeks.
I’m 40 years old and my wife 39. We have been married for 15 years, but our sexual life began five years ago. I have been using a condom ever since. We are now planning for a baby. Where should we start? My wife’s periods are regular. I am tense because I often lose my erection. Are we healthy enough to have a baby?
It is wise to have a check-up to gauge your sperm count and to get an okay for her from a gynaecologist. There is no reason why you both should not conceive. Just relax and start having sex every alternate day, starting from the eighth day of her period (count from the first day) till the end of menses. But why no sex for 10 years?
I have been married for 17 years and we have two kids. In all these years, my wife has not experienced an orgasm even once. Hence sex is done only to fulfil my desire since there is no enjoyment on her side. Is there any remedy for this problem?
Are you expecting that she will get an orgasm during intercourse?She can get an orgasm by stroking her vaginal area and clitoris. You can also perform oral sex on her. This is quiet clean and hygienic.
We have been married for two years. Very often, during intercourse my wife suddenly loses the urge and refuses to continue further. Why does this happen?
It's possible that she reaches her orgasm before you and hence loses interest. Or it could be that her vagina may get dry, making intercourse painful. Give her an orgasm before intercourse and then during it. If you finish before her, stimulate her with your fingers till she gets another. Also, try asking her what's wrong and rectify your act.
I am a 26-year-old man. I have a habit of playing with my nipples while masturbating. I want to know if this habit can cause any problem and can masturbate for 20 seconds only. Please help by suggesting some techniques or medicines to increase this time period.
Playing with your nipples, stroking your ears, picking your nose or scratching your groin will not affect you during or after masturbation. While masturbating, learn better control by stopping before you reach the point of inevitable ejaculation. After you have controlled your desire, restart stroking and repeat 15 times before finishing.
It is said that the first and last seven days of the period are virtually safe. However you should use a condom so that there is no need to use pills. Despite its safety, pregnancies are known to occur. Use condoms on all days.
I’m 23 years old and my wife is 21. We got married a month ago. I find her vagina to be large. When we have sex I am able to penetrate easily. I am worried that she isn’t a virgin. Does the hymen tear after the first intercourse? I am worried. Please help.
The hymen can be of different kinds. It may be absent, or tear by a particular exercise like cycling or masturbation. Also hymen can be elastic which can be a possibility in your case. The hymen is no proof of virginity. Why are you spoiling you are married life by being suspicious and not trusting your wife?
I am 34 years old and got married a year back. Sometimes I lose my erection. If I take Musli power or Vita X immediately, will it help? If I take it once, will I have to take it every time? Will I get proper erections if I stop taking the tablets? I don’t want to depend on it.
Since this happens only sometimes, you need to identify the cause. It could be stress, work exhaustion, a quarrel with the boss or wife, etc. Take one tablet of Vigomax Forte (Charak) twice a day on an empty stomach for three weeks. You will be fine.
I am 28 years old and enjoy sex every day with my wife. She is two months pregnant. Till which month of pregnancy can we have sex Will it harm the child?
It is preferable to have sex after the first trimester as the ovum is still trying to get a hold in the uterus. Also, your wife must not be feeling good because of the morning sickness and other symptoms. You can continue having sex till the eight month with the doctor’s permission. Adopt the spoon position in which she lies facing the wall and you approach from behind. Do not perform oral sex on her.
I am 28 years old and got married a month back. Is it safe to have unprotected sex seven days before and after my wife’s periods? Her menstrual cycle starts on the first of the month. Also my penis goes soft when I go to wear the condom and then I cannot penetrate my wife.
The safe days are the first seven days of the cycle, counting from the first day of her period, and the last seven days. You can have sex on the days when the bleeding is just a streak. Open the condom pack and keep it handy. When foreplay reaches its peak, slip it on rapidly and continue.
I am 30 years old and got married in 2006. I have a son. I enjoy sex with my wife, but our intercourse time is very less — on an average, one to two minutes. I want to increase my intercourse time. Is there any medicine available in the market for this purpose?
Learn better control so that you can both have greater enjoyment during foreplay and she can reach her first orgasm. After entry, even if you finish quickly, you should ask her to continue stimulating herself (you can help with fingers) to reach her second orgasm. Try a course of Neo tablets (Charak) — one tablet twice a day for six weeks.
I’m 40 years old and my wife 39. We have been married for 15 years, but our sexual life began five years ago. I have been using a condom ever since. We are now planning for a baby. Where should we start? My wife’s periods are regular. I am tense because I often lose my erection. Are we healthy enough to have a baby?
It is wise to have a check-up to gauge your sperm count and to get an okay for her from a gynaecologist. There is no reason why you both should not conceive. Just relax and start having sex every alternate day, starting from the eighth day of her period (count from the first day) till the end of menses. But why no sex for 10 years?
I have been married for 17 years and we have two kids. In all these years, my wife has not experienced an orgasm even once. Hence sex is done only to fulfil my desire since there is no enjoyment on her side. Is there any remedy for this problem?
Are you expecting that she will get an orgasm during intercourse?She can get an orgasm by stroking her vaginal area and clitoris. You can also perform oral sex on her. This is quiet clean and hygienic.
We have been married for two years. Very often, during intercourse my wife suddenly loses the urge and refuses to continue further. Why does this happen?
It's possible that she reaches her orgasm before you and hence loses interest. Or it could be that her vagina may get dry, making intercourse painful. Give her an orgasm before intercourse and then during it. If you finish before her, stimulate her with your fingers till she gets another. Also, try asking her what's wrong and rectify your act.
I am a 26-year-old man. I have a habit of playing with my nipples while masturbating. I want to know if this habit can cause any problem and can masturbate for 20 seconds only. Please help by suggesting some techniques or medicines to increase this time period.
Playing with your nipples, stroking your ears, picking your nose or scratching your groin will not affect you during or after masturbation. While masturbating, learn better control by stopping before you reach the point of inevitable ejaculation. After you have controlled your desire, restart stroking and repeat 15 times before finishing.
Questions 01
I am 29 years old. During sex my partner wants us to indulge in intercourse more than once. However, I get too tired after the first session itself. Also, my penis size is small. We are not enjoying sex. Please help me.
Use foreplay to help her achieve her first orgasm. Let her rest for a while and then begin with intercourse. If you finish earlier, continue stimulating her with your fingers till she reaches her second orgasm. This way she will be satisfied. Also have intercourse early in the morning when your hormones are at their best and you are well rested.
What is this Xylocaine you suggest to people and what does it do? Also tell me when should one have intercourse during periods? Are there any fixed days to have sex.
Xylocaine is a local anaesthetic which helps to lessen the pain felt at intercourse. You can have sex on any day but precaution should be taken on all days particularly from 10 to the 15th day of the period, counting from the first day.
I am a 32-year-old man, married for the past six years and having a fine sex life. My wife and I decided to have anal sex but I was not able to insert all the way through because of her pain. I have come to know about Xylocaine 4% gel but do not know how to use it as it says 'not for internal use'. If it is not for internal use then what kind of other lubrication can we use it for? After applying Xylocaine it is supposed to be should be wiped off after some time, but after doing that I will still need lubrication. Please tell me what to do.
Anal sex is not advised without a condom. She can apply the ointment. Altering the position also helps but take care that the insertion doesn’t cause problems to her. For lubrication, use KY gel.
My fiancé and I are 24 years old. We will be getting married within a few months. What is premarital counselling? Do we need it? How important is it? What issues will it address?
Pre-marital sexual counselling helps both partners understand how to keep each other happy. It addresses sexual hygiene, explains the different contraceptives available, what to do on the first night, the importance of foreplay, etc. and much more.
I am 27 years old. Few days ago, while watching an intimate scene on TV, I got an erection and suddenly ejaculated. I don’t understand why such a thing happened. I’m getting married soon. I’m afraid that I suffer from premature ejaculation. What should I do?
You couldn’t control your excitement. Learn better self-control via masturbation. Learn to involve your mind also. When you feel that you are nearing ejaculation, stop stroking. Also, you may squeeze the base of your penis hard enough to get over the aroused feeling. Then, restart stroking. Repeat 15 times before ejaculation.
Is it necessary that one’s foreskin should roll back during masturbation and sex. My foreskin doesn’t roll back completely. What should I do?
If your foreskin slips back and forth easily, up to the base of the glans of the penis, you don’t need to do anything. If not, consult a surgeon.
I got married two months ago. My husband suffers from low interest in sex I, on the other hand, have a high libido. Ever since we got married, we’ve had sex only six to seven times. I even forced him to have sex but he doesn’t satisfy me. Our relationship is in trouble due to this. Please help.
Increase the duration of foreplay. If that’s not possible, stimulate your nipples and vagina yourself till you reach an orgasm and then ask him to enter. If he finishes soon, quickly again stimulate yourself till you achieve your second orgasm. He should consult a sexologist.
I have been married for the last 22 years and have a happy sex Of late, I have noticed that my wife, even though interested in sex avoids penetration. Someone has advised her against using Copper-T at this age. Will it lead to any complications? She is 43. Otherwise, we use condoms or have sex on safe days. But as you have said earlier, no day is absolutely safe and that is her worry.
So if both of you are happy what is the problem? Days one to seven and the last seven days counting from the first day of her period are virtually safe. She can, as a double precaution, insert the dissolvable tablet TODAY in her vagina.
What is a good time after the menstrual cycle to have intercourse for pregnancy? Is it necessary to have intercourse on all days between two periods or are there any specific days?
There are better chances for pregnancy if you have sex after the eighth day (counting from first day) on alternate days till the end of the cycle. The likely fertile days are between the 10th to the 15th day for those have regular menstrual cycles.
Does the vagina become loose after delivery? In some health columns, I came across complaints from husbands about their wives’ vaginas becoming loose post-delivery. They also mentioned about this taking a toll on their sex life as they couldn’t enjoy intercourse as they used to. Does it happen after their first intercourse?
It can, but if the woman has kept herself fit and the delivery is done skillfully, only a slight looseness may occur. Post-pregnancy exercise can restore much of the laxity and sex can be as enjoyable.
Use foreplay to help her achieve her first orgasm. Let her rest for a while and then begin with intercourse. If you finish earlier, continue stimulating her with your fingers till she reaches her second orgasm. This way she will be satisfied. Also have intercourse early in the morning when your hormones are at their best and you are well rested.
What is this Xylocaine you suggest to people and what does it do? Also tell me when should one have intercourse during periods? Are there any fixed days to have sex.
Xylocaine is a local anaesthetic which helps to lessen the pain felt at intercourse. You can have sex on any day but precaution should be taken on all days particularly from 10 to the 15th day of the period, counting from the first day.
I am a 32-year-old man, married for the past six years and having a fine sex life. My wife and I decided to have anal sex but I was not able to insert all the way through because of her pain. I have come to know about Xylocaine 4% gel but do not know how to use it as it says 'not for internal use'. If it is not for internal use then what kind of other lubrication can we use it for? After applying Xylocaine it is supposed to be should be wiped off after some time, but after doing that I will still need lubrication. Please tell me what to do.
Anal sex is not advised without a condom. She can apply the ointment. Altering the position also helps but take care that the insertion doesn’t cause problems to her. For lubrication, use KY gel.
My fiancé and I are 24 years old. We will be getting married within a few months. What is premarital counselling? Do we need it? How important is it? What issues will it address?
Pre-marital sexual counselling helps both partners understand how to keep each other happy. It addresses sexual hygiene, explains the different contraceptives available, what to do on the first night, the importance of foreplay, etc. and much more.
I am 27 years old. Few days ago, while watching an intimate scene on TV, I got an erection and suddenly ejaculated. I don’t understand why such a thing happened. I’m getting married soon. I’m afraid that I suffer from premature ejaculation. What should I do?
You couldn’t control your excitement. Learn better self-control via masturbation. Learn to involve your mind also. When you feel that you are nearing ejaculation, stop stroking. Also, you may squeeze the base of your penis hard enough to get over the aroused feeling. Then, restart stroking. Repeat 15 times before ejaculation.
Is it necessary that one’s foreskin should roll back during masturbation and sex. My foreskin doesn’t roll back completely. What should I do?
If your foreskin slips back and forth easily, up to the base of the glans of the penis, you don’t need to do anything. If not, consult a surgeon.
I got married two months ago. My husband suffers from low interest in sex I, on the other hand, have a high libido. Ever since we got married, we’ve had sex only six to seven times. I even forced him to have sex but he doesn’t satisfy me. Our relationship is in trouble due to this. Please help.
Increase the duration of foreplay. If that’s not possible, stimulate your nipples and vagina yourself till you reach an orgasm and then ask him to enter. If he finishes soon, quickly again stimulate yourself till you achieve your second orgasm. He should consult a sexologist.
I have been married for the last 22 years and have a happy sex Of late, I have noticed that my wife, even though interested in sex avoids penetration. Someone has advised her against using Copper-T at this age. Will it lead to any complications? She is 43. Otherwise, we use condoms or have sex on safe days. But as you have said earlier, no day is absolutely safe and that is her worry.
So if both of you are happy what is the problem? Days one to seven and the last seven days counting from the first day of her period are virtually safe. She can, as a double precaution, insert the dissolvable tablet TODAY in her vagina.
What is a good time after the menstrual cycle to have intercourse for pregnancy? Is it necessary to have intercourse on all days between two periods or are there any specific days?
There are better chances for pregnancy if you have sex after the eighth day (counting from first day) on alternate days till the end of the cycle. The likely fertile days are between the 10th to the 15th day for those have regular menstrual cycles.
Does the vagina become loose after delivery? In some health columns, I came across complaints from husbands about their wives’ vaginas becoming loose post-delivery. They also mentioned about this taking a toll on their sex life as they couldn’t enjoy intercourse as they used to. Does it happen after their first intercourse?
It can, but if the woman has kept herself fit and the delivery is done skillfully, only a slight looseness may occur. Post-pregnancy exercise can restore much of the laxity and sex can be as enjoyable.