Nothing lasts forever. Least of all romantic love. “Initially, one is filled with romance and the thoughts and ideas that accompany it. But romantic love drains both partners. The same josh isn’t there; that’s when people feel the relationship is dead,” says counsellor Dr Vijay Nagaswami, saying this is why the ‘three-year itch’ has substituted the ‘seven-year itch’. “Many couples get bored even earlier,” adds Nagaswami who details this problem in his book. Romantic love must be replaced by ‘intimate love’ — the capacity to stay connected with each other — which determines the longevity of a relationship. “The stage between the death of romantic love and the birth of intimate love is when partners drift,” he says.
Signs to watch out for
After a period of togetherness, if you ask: where has love gone?, your relationship needs repair. Look at your marriage afresh when:
• You feel unfulfilled
• You feel your partner doesn’t care for you and vice-versa
• Sex is mechanical
• Both prefer the company of others
• You have nothing to say• Conversations are just complaints.
Overhaul your relationship
Don’t despair, you can reclaim your relationship and bring back the spark.
1) Stop quantifying blame
Both partners are responsible though the tendency is to blame your partner and feel victimised. Accept responsibility and introspect on the reasons for the breakdown.
2) Make it a 50-50 relationshipTake equal responsibility for reclaiming it. It doesn’t matter who was responsible for the drift; what matters is that you’re in it together.
3) Own your relationshipYour relationship space should have only the two of you — not friends or parents. Keep others firmly out.
4) Create an emotional ambienceLearn to listen. Even if you are arguing, try and listen with objectivity and humility. Don’t view your partner as the enemy, instead see what scope there is to improve the relationship. Make a checklist of the good times you’ve had — honeymoon, holidays, etc., and keep referring to it.
5) ‘Debug’ your relationshipIdentify your ‘marriage baggage’ by understanding your respective disappointments and perceptions of togetherness. Talk and listen to each other’s ‘marriage stories’. Put your ideas of a great marriage — the way you visualise your relationship — on paper. Then compare notes. If both of you have divergent views, see how you can reach a middle ground.
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In a recent interview, Bipasha Basu confessed that there have been times when either she or John (Abraham) has wanted out. But they have clearly moved from romantic love to intimate love |
Decide what you want your marriage to look like in the future by making three lists of needs: Non-negotiable, Necessary and Desirable. Non-negotiable needs are absolute no-nos — physical violence. Necessary needs include ones where there is scope for adjustment, like spending time with each other. Desirable list means needs that can work out with mutual understanding. Exchange lists. Respond to your partner’s lists honestly and accommodate his/her difficulty in responding to all your needs at one go.
7) Stay connectedPlan intimate evenings. Connect with each other through the day. Send smses to ask how the other is doing. If you come home early, switch off your cell phone to spend time with your partner.
8) Balance your life spaces
Make sure your marriage space receives the highest emotional investment vis-à-vis all your other spaces. It’s not difficult if you try hard.
9) Enjoy your ‘I’ space
Even as you engage in a transparent relationship, ensure you don’t lose your respective identities. Preserve your individuality. As the intimacy becomes better, your ‘I’ space won’t be too demanding.
— Dr Vijay Nagaswami is the author of The Fifty-50 marriage: Return to Intimacy, (Published by Westland).