Marriage actually

Now that you know that most of us end up marrying the wrong people, often deluding ourselves into believing that we may be compatible or crazy in love — reasons enough to see us happily riding into the sunset —  it’s time to take off the blinkers and worry about some more concerns.


Have you looked into character traits?
It’s not just enough to say that the person is good, and hence is worthy of marriage. You can evaluate one only on the basis of character — is he/ she humble, kind, responsible and happy? Old fashioned? Sounds a tad ‘boring’, but these are the traits that hold good in the long run. You can draw a lot of inner strength from them. One who is humble will do what is 'correct' and not what he/she ‘thinks is correct’. A kind person is one who gives more than he takes. A lot of grief can be avoided if one is just committed to selflessly giving rather than simply taking.
How would you know if your love is a responsible person? Simply observe how he/she functions at the workplace. Is he/she able to shoulder the responsibility of a large team and manage strife amicably? You will be amazed to find how this often reflects in personal relationships as well. And finally, ensure that the person you marry is happy. If your partner is not cheerful, they won’t be able to make you happy either.

Do you understand each others’ emotional needs?
Do you really care about this? More often than not, as time goes by, it ends up being a case of one trying to get the other to think along their lines. Understand that it is not sex or money or your status in society that determines the success of marriage. It is how well you manage to look after each other's emotional needs that really sees you through. Since both men and women have different emotional needs, it's imperative that you understand them well. These are the things that you need to constantly bear in mind — constant attention, appreciation and affection.

How connected are you with your loved one?
Fulfilling needs, as discussed in the previous point, is distinct from being truly connected. Devoid of connection, the bond  can become rather clinical. Deeper connections are formed when two people manage to come together on a firm foundation based on common beliefs, likes and dislikes. There is a reason why one is forever searching a soul mate — it’s simply another name for deep emotional connect.

Are you forging a deeper bond with him/her?
Ask yourselves the real questions, not the superficial ones — do you respect and admire each other? Are you impressed with each other in a deeper and meaningful way? Then, tackle the issue of trust — will he/she be there with you in a moment of crisis? Can you trust each other’s judgment? Can you really believe in what he/ she says?
Do you feel protected and safe with each other? Will he/ she take advantage of your vulnerability? Can you be completely open with each other?

Is he/she of sound emotional health?
This is one thing that almost no one thinks about checking before deciding to tie the knot. Is the one you are with emotionally healthy? If not, he/she won’t be emotionally available for you either. It is one of the most unfortunate mistakes people make while choosing partners. He is brooding, she is the quiet one — traits we consider very attractive. But how many of us really manage to find out what lies beneath?
One of the reasons why some people are emotionally unavailable is because they are caught in a triangle of affection between the spouse and the family, or a member who may be dependent on them. The emotional connection between the dependent one needs to be negotiated, as there can not be three people in a marriage. If that cannot be achieved, it is clear that the person is addicted to that relationship. Never marry an addict.

Then, there are people who suffer from self-loathing. Beware of them. They do not love themselves and will not be able to love others either.

Get sex-smart

Are men more promiscuous than women? Do men fake it too? If these are some of the questions bothering you about sex, it's time to separate myth from fact

When it comes to sex, there have been far too many to-dos, what-to-dos and what-not-do-dos,since time immemorial. Half of these are based on realistic facts, but the rest are pure fiction. Unfortunately, due to lack of proper information, many relationships go awry. If you have been one of the many victims of sex myths, it's time to forget what you've heard so far. We separate the frisky fact from fiction and put these popular beliefs to bed.

Fantasizing about someone else during the act is bad
Get this clear before entering any relationship. Sexual experience primarily starts from the brain and not just the organ. And the brain does have a tendency to wander. What matters most in a relationship is commitment. If that's in place, doesn't matter whether you think of a Bipasha Basu or Brad Pitt while in bed.

Women are safe if a guy pulls out before ejaculation
Bad news on that front guys. Men do not always realise when the ejaculatory fluid seeps out. This contains sperm which gets released and it's enough to get your partner pregnant.

Men think about sex every seven seconds
One wonders where this number popped up from. According to a research conducted by the Kinsey institute, USA, I4 per cent of men think about sex every day or several times a day, 43 per cent a few times per month or per week and 4 per cent less than once a month.
Interestingly, it was reported that 19 per cent of women think about sex every day or several times a day, 67 per cent a few times per month or a few times per week and 14 per cent less than once a month. When it comes to number crunching, both sexes are pretty much equal.

Oral sex is safer than its vaginal counterpart
Oral sex counts as sex as well. Hence you are not totally immune from getting a sexually transmitted disease if you only indulge in oral sex. As there is an exchange of fluids, diseases can enter your body through sores or small cuts in your mouth and throat.

Men are always ready for sex
One of the most prevalent myths about male sexuality is that men are never too tired for sex. Fact is, men are not robots. They get stressed and tired as well, and sometimes may just not be in the mood to have sex. Besides, they are driven by emotions too, which in turn affect their libido.
So if your man is not responding to your overtures, it doesn't mean he isn't interested in you anymore. He may simply not be in the mood.

Size matters
For the nth time, men, STOP looking down, because it doesn't matter. Instead, get a copy of the Kamasutra and work (hard) on getting the right technique. When you know the real art of pleasuring your partner, chances are, she won't even realise how big (or small) your organ really is. Give it a topping of love and get the 'performer' tag no size can ever help you earn.

If all else fails, Viagra will always come to your rescue
The band-aid solutions (aka Viagra) to big problems (aka erectile dysfunction) are bound to give disappointing results. Instead, consult an expert, get to the root of the problem and have it treated accordingly.
Moreover, if disorders like hypertension and diabetes are the culprits behind the lack of 'lift', oral medications can lead to serious side-effects. So save yourself from the all-knowing quack expert within you and junk that pill till you know exactly what you are doing.

After a certain age, sex is no longer important
The person who came up with this idea must have been a party pooper. If you are capable of having sex (and feel like it), just do it. It's as simple as that.
Moreover, the positive physical and emotional repercussions of frequent sex can even add some years to your life. With age, loss of libido is common, but factors such as hormonal issues, depression, communication problems with partner and anxiety disorders play an equally important role.

Most men are not interested in foreplay
Most women believe that men usually have one goal when it comes to sex and that is reaching an orgasm. But a lot of men have thankfully risen above just the orgasm and are attentive to the needs of their partners. In fact, men enjoy foreplay as well, as it helps them to keep the performance stress away and think about something other than their erection.

Great sex just happens
True. It 'just happens' once in a while. But if you wish to have a fulfilling sex life where each encounter leaves you wanting for more, stand up and take charge. There's no standard 'to-do' list that will work wonders for everyone every time, which is why good communication and mutual willingness to experiment is a must. That mind-blowing sex will end with an orgasm in bed, but starts with a stimulating conversation on the couch.

Kiss and hold hands

What women really want!

Questions 09

Do pregnant women discharge any fluid (during foreplay and oral sex) that non-pregnant women don’t? If so, what’s this fluid called? Till which month is it safe for the man to perform oral sex?
Performing oral sex on a pregnant woman is forbidden as there’s a great risk (of even death) due to an embolis (clot) that might occur. During sex, she will behave in the same manner as a non-pregnant woman. There’s no harm if you swallow a non-pregnant woman’s excess fluid.

My partner and I had unprotected sex a number of times exactly one day before my period. I was taking Meprate tablets for ten days but I discontinued the tablet four days prior to the act. My period started the very next day. Are there chances of pregnancy?
No, but do not take chances till you are married. Other than a pregnancy, an infection too is possible. Always use a condom.

I am 29 and getting married in a couple of days. I am extremely tense about my first night. My wife and I have been meeting each other for the past five months and have talked about sex. How do we do it so that it is not painful? How do we begin, what positions do we use and what precautions are to be taken so that we enjoy sex?
To make it the least uncomfortable, let her apply a tiny amount of Xylocaine 2% gel in and around the vagina. Wait 20 minutes before wiping off and begin with foreplay. You may want to use your fingers later. Suggest you both take premarital counselling.

I am 31 and have been married since six months. I have heard there are lubricants (to be applied on male genitals) which provide ease in penetration. Please suggest names. Are they readily available?
KY gel. You can also use saliva.

I am 24 and my partner is 23. We have been seeing each other for the past three years and have often had sex. However, I won't be able to marry her because of family opposition. Her vagina has become quite loose. If we do not have sex for the next two years, is it possible that it would tighten so that her future husband doesn't find out about her history? Are there any methods to do this?
If you love each other, why cannot you get over the obstacles? If you cannot, cut the bond completely. The vagina might get firm but the hymen would be missing.

 I am 23 years old. I am too addicted to masturbation. Please suggest a remedy.
An addiction can be overcome by determination by the addict. Help yourself by going out and getting busy with work, exercise, entertainment etc. Masturbate only when you are truly excited.

I am 26 years old and my wife is 20. She is five months pregnant. I live away from my hometown and we have not had sex for two months. I am going home for Diwali and have some doubts: Can I have sex with her? Which position is best for the safety of the baby and my wife? Till which month is it safe to have sex? Can we have oral sex? Is it harmful to our health if we swallow any liquid during orgasm? As I love my wife a lot, please guide me so I can keep her happy.
With her doctor’s permission, you can have sex till the 8th month. Approach from the rear while she is lying facing the wall. Do not perform oral sex on her; she can do it to you.


I am 30 years old and newly married. My husband and I would like to have protected sex, but whenever we try to have intercourse, it hurts. The vaginal area is always dry and tight. Kindly advise something to lessen the pain. 
You are afraid of the pain and hence not getting aroused, which leads to dryness. Apply a small quantity of Xylocaine 2% gel in and around the vaginal opening 20 minutes before bedtime. Wash it off after 20 minutes. Use K Y gel for lubrication and indulge in a lot more foreplay.


Sometimes I feel dryness in vagina during intercourse. I use two to three drops of coconut oil or ghee as lubricant. It this okay? After performing oral sex on my partner, I go to sleep without washing my mouth. Is this harmful ? It is okay to have oral sex between intercourse, after a few strokes? 
If you are using a condom, use KY gel for lubrication. If you are trying for a child, ghee or coconut oil will do. There is no harm in going to sleep without washing your mouth or in having oral sex between intercourse.


 I am a 26-year-old newly married man. For the past one month, I have been having sex with my 21-year-old wife. She is not satisfied with the length and size of my penis. Are there any exercises by which I can increase it quickly? Also, my wife’s breast size is only 32. I want it to be a bit bigger, at least 33 or 34. Please advise me on this too.
You don’t need size to satisfy your partner. You need to be skilled in foreplay. You will have to be content with what you and your partner have.

Dating tips: 10 things a man should never ask a woman

An author has come up with a list of 10 top dating tips to guide men on what they should never say to women.


David DeAngelo, author of "Double Your Dating", says there is nothing worse than making mistakes that will later be regretted and one way to avoid them is to remember the following, Bullz-Eye.com reported.
First of all, a man should never ask a woman if he can kiss her, as she will only say, a man should never "ask" for a kiss.

Asking her for a kiss will only make a man look like a boy, which is what a woman is not interested in, and even if she says "yes", it could mean she is just being polite, while on the inside her attraction meter will read a firm, "No".

Secondly, a man should never ask a woman if he can take her out on a date sometime, as she would like to be with a man who is a leader and in control, not someone who asks her permission to hit on her.

A man should confidently ask a woman out, by simply saying, "We should hang out... what's your number?" or tell her about a specific place he wants to take her to.


Thirdly, a man should never brag about the car he has or the kind of house he lives in, as it would seem like he is trying hard to impress her.

Women would be far more impressed by a man's material possessions if he does not mention them in conversation.


The fourth thing a man should never ask a woman is what she wants to do for the night, as she likes a "man with a plan".
The man needs to have a game plan before he calls her, so as to ensure that she will not be burdened with having to think about what to do.


Fifthly, a man should never ask a woman if she likes him, as this is one phrase that turns off a woman completely.
He should just assume that she likes him, and never ask the question, as it would look like he has no confidence.


The six tip is that a man should never ask a woman why she never answered his message, as one, it would show that he cared she did not reply back, and two, it would give her a guilt trip, which is seen as insecurity by women.


The seventh tip is that a man should never ask a woman how many men she has slept with, as this shows that he is suffering from insecurity.


The eighth tip is that a man should never hint at a future date with a woman he has just met, as she not only wants but needs a guy who is somewhat of a "challenge", and will lose interest if she senses she has won.


The ninth tip is that a man should never end a phone conversation with a woman with a "next step", as firstly it would kill any spontaneity by being predictable, and secondly he would kill any chances of her calling him.


The tenth tip is that a man should never talk bad about a woman's guy friends especially if he hasn't met them and doesn't know her very well, as this is the fastest way for her to mark him as "insecure".

Questions 08

I am 28 years old. My partner and I have decided to not have a child of our own. We may adopt a child if we feel the need. If I undergo a vasectomy, what will happen to the semen? Will the operation have any effect on our married life?
Please reconsider your decision. The procedure is a permanent method. Who knows if you both want to change your mind in the future? I suggest you wait till you are in your mid thirties. She can use the oral contraceptive pill or you can use a condom. If you still wish to go ahead, it’s your choice. The discharge will be there but there won’t be any sperms in it.

I’m 32 years old and got married three years ago. I ejaculate within a minute of penetration. I had consulted a neurologist, who tested my testicles and penis and said everything was fine. I even had a sperm analysis done, which showed everything was normal. I need your help. We are trying for a baby.
So long as you ejaculate in the vagina, she will have no problems conceiving. PE (Premature ejaculation) is a learned habit. Search for premature ejaculation remedies on the Internet. Do Kegel exercises regularly. See your doctor for a prescription medicine. Meanwhile, take one Confido tab (by Himalaya) twice a day on an empty stomach.

I am 32 years old; I married an 18-year-old girl three months ago. We have not yet had sex. Whenever I start, my wife begins crying and says it hurts her a lot. Please advise what to do.
Take her to a gynaecologist. Also get Xylocaine 2% gel and ask her to apply a little with her finger in and around the vaginal opening. Wait for about 20 minutes and wipe off any excess gel. Her pain will almost disappear. Try intercourse with her on top or with both of you sitting up.

I got married two and half years ago. Our sex life has been okay. Now my wife is two months pregnant and is not willing to have sex at all. She has lost the craze for it. I usually get tempted and end up masturbating. How can I increase her sex drive?
The first trimester of pregnancy can be trying for a woman; the next one is more comfortable and she may be more inclined to have sex then. She may be scared about losing the baby, so talk to the gynaecologist and also browse the Internet to learn about sex during pregnancy. Meanwhile, she can help you masturbate.

I have a few questions: 1. Who feels more pleasure during sex — a man or a woman? 2. How to seduce a girl? 3. I masturbate twice a day. Is that safe? 4. What will happen if I masturbate excessively?
1. Both men and women enjoy sex equally, provided they are willing and decide to enjoy the bonding. 2. Treat a girl with love and dignity. You do not seduce; you wait till she responds with trust. 3. Any habit or excess will ultimately be harmful. Have you nothing better to do? 4. You will lose interest and your penis will not respond as you wish.

I am 24 years old. How can I improve my power to have great sex? I am going to be married in three months.Stamina is the key. Exercise and eat a nutritious diet daily. Learn the art of being a good lover. Turn to some romance novelsI am 24 years old. How can I improve my power to have great sex? I am going to be married in three months.
Stamina is the key. Exercise and eat a nutritious diet daily. Learn the art of being a good lover. Turn to some romance novels for help. for help.

I am 28 years old. My wife is eight months pregnant. When can we resume our sex life?
It is not advisable to have sex after the eighth month. That doesn’t mean you cannot ask her to help you masturbate. You can use the sex -between-thighs technique. After birth, enough time should be given for restoration of the woman’s tissues. This takes around six weeks. You may start earlier if she undergoes a C-section delivery. If she feeds the baby regularly and doesn’t experience periods, you need not use contraception for six months.

I got married recently; it was a love-cum-arranged marriage. Before the wedding, my wife took some tablets to postpone her periods. On our first night, she was not interested in sex as she was too tired. However, for my happiness, she agreed and we had unprotected sex. A week later, we learnt that she was pregnant. I am really shocked. Is it possible for a woman to conceive with just one session of unprotected sex?
She conceived within one week. First, the basic rule of marriage — everything you do must be in mutual agreement. Even the Kamasutra advises newly married couples to wait for a few days before they have intercourse. You went against this advice. You are not the first ignorant husband who has learned his lesson after the act. Of course she can get pregnant on the first night itself. Consult a gynecologist to decide further course of action.

I am 31 and have been married for seven months. My wife and I are both happy but our sex life is troubled. Her orgasm takes time and mine happens very fast. Though she doesn't complain, I would like to last longer and increase the duration of my erection. What can I do?
Try increasing the duration of foreplay till she gets an orgasm, then start with the intercourse so that she can get a second. If you finish earlier, continue to stimulate her with hand.

I am 24 years old and my partner is 22. Will having sex before marriage harm either our sex life, love life or marriage? Some of my friends say that having sex before marriage will drastically reduce love between us. Is this true?
It has been observed that young couples who have struggled to better themselves often break up after they settle down. Also, some couples complain that their partner has lost interest and approach for sex after long intervals. Finally the decision depends on both of you. If you indulge in pre-marital sex, be prepared to lose the pleasures of the first night and honeymoon.

Questions 07

I am 32 and got married to an 18-year-old girl three months ago. We haven't had sex yet because when I initiate it, my wife starts crying and says that it hurts. What do I do?
Take her to a gynaecologist. Get Xylocaine 2% gel and ask her to apply a little with her finger in the vaginal opening and around. Wait for 20 minutes and wipe off the excess. Her pain will almost disappear. Try the woman on top position or sitting up together.

I am 35 years old and have been married for five years. During intercourse I ejaculate within 30 seconds and after that, my penis goes soft. Because of this, my wife is not satisfied. Please tell me how I can last longer.
Start with foreplay during which your wife will get her first orgasm. Then insert your penis till you are in control. Stroke —repeat, stop and start many times over. Or ask her to take a woman on top position. Stop moving after a while and start again. This stop and start will help if you finish earlier and request her to continue stroking her body against yours or use your hand till she reaches a second orgasm.

I am 16 years old. However, my penis hasn’t grown in proportion to my physique. When will my penis grow in length? Why is it still immature? Are there any creams or tablets that don’t have side-effects and can also help me with my problem?
Measure your penis (at erection) from the upper surface. Press the ruler right up to the pubic bone and measure it right up to the tip. If it measures four inches or more, you are okay. The diameter should be around one inch. If smaller, consult your doctor or urologist.

When I wake up early in the morning, I notice that my penis is strong and erect. What’s the reason for it?
During deep sleep, at intervals, there is a natural erection. It is as if the body is ensuring that an adequate amount of blood is flowing into the penis. Your male hormone is at its peak at that time.

I have doubts regarding oral sex. Does it include anything other than genital stimulation? Do I need to stroke when my partner performs oral sex on me? Is it a must to ejaculate? My partner feels that swallowing semen will affect her health adversely. Is that true? Please clarify.
It is her choice which you must respect. I hope you are returning the favour. Nonetheless, swallowing semen is harmless.

My penis size is too small. How do I improve its length? I started masturbating from an early age. Now, my parents are planning to get me married. I am afraid of the consequences. Will my masturbation habit affect my married life? Please help.
Firstly, stand before the mirror and look at your penis. You will observe that it is bigger than you think. Then, over the front part of the penis, glide your thumb upwards to the pubic bone. This will expose the full length. If you still have a doubt, consult a sexologist. Masturbation will not affect your marriage.

I am 23 years old. How long should the intercourse last so as to satisfy the woman? What’s the ideal time range? Sometimes, I ejaculate within two minutes. At other times, I last for five, even ten minutes. Is this inconsistency normal?
There is no correct timing to reach orgasm. You are not supposed to have sex with a stopwatch. She can get several orgasms during (and around) intercourse depending on the skill of the partner and her desire.

I am 29 years old and my wife is 24. We have been married for four years and have a three-year-old daughter. When we have intercourse, my wife gets pain in her stomach and complains of my penis being too long and that it hurts her. I have to stop the act soon because of this. There are two more problems with her behaviour. She reaches orgasm soon and begins pushing me away; and doesn’t like oral sex. I am not happy with our married life. Please suggest some solutions.
Try other positions which may be more comfortable to her. The side-to-side approach from the rear while lying down might help. When she reaches orgasm, wait till she calms; then proceed to give her a second orgasm. The first can be through foreplay. If she does not like oral sex, persuade her occasionally to do it. Why do you link this to your overall marriage? It’s not only intercourse, there are many other things that make you happy.

I am 30 years old and have been married for five years. My problem is that while having sex, I ejaculate within 30 seconds and after that, my penis goes soft. Because of this, my wife is not satisfied. I have tried using condoms, but they have not helped much. I have sex about twice a week. Please tell me how I can last for at least a few minutes.
Don’t be in a hurry. Spend time engaging in foreplay until your wife reaches her first orgasm. After that, enter her and wait inside till you gain control. Then begin stroking and stop when you feel you are about to ejaculate. Gain control and start again. Repeat this procedure often. If you don’t see a difference in three months, go see a sexologist.

What part of a woman's body should one fantasise about in order to reach an orgasm?
Her whole body is your fantasyland, especially her hair, lips, breasts, buttocks. Apart from that, you can also fantasise about how she talks, laughs, walks, teases you etc.