I got married recently and it was a love-cum-arranged marriage. Before the wedding, my wife took some tablets to postpone her periods. On our first night, she was not interested in having sex as she was too tired. However, for my happiness, she agreed later and we had unprotected sex. A week later, we learnt that she was pregnant. I am really shocked. Is it possible for a woman to conceive with just one session of unprotected sex? She conceived within one week!
First the basic rule of marriage - everything you do must be in mutual agreement. Even the Kamasutra advises newly married couples to wait for a few days before they have intercourse. You went against this advice. You are not the first ignorant husband who has learnt his lesson after the act. Of course she can get pregnant on the first night itself. Consult a gynecologist to decide further course of action.
I am 20 years old. I have been in a relationship for more than a year. My girlfriend is not sexually active with me. I think this might affect our relationship. Please help me. I don’t want to lose her.
Why not? Talk to her and help her understand your desire. In turn, you should do the same. I think you are judging her only on the basis of sex. There must be many other positive aspects as well that you must look at.
I want to undergo the foreskin removal surgery. How long does the surgery take? How much does it cost? For how many days will I be in the hospital? Kindly suggest.
Consult a surgeon who will decide whether you need a circumcision. It is a procedure where the front part of your foreskin will be removed so that the head of the penis (which has all the pleasure nerves) can be exposed. The actual operation takes about 20 to 30 minutes. After that, you will have to rest in the clinic for a couple of hours. Then, go home and rest for a day or two. You will be able to get back to your normal routine. There will be a dressing till the few stitches are completely absorbed. In about 10 to 15 days, you will be totally healed. The cost will depend on the hospital you go to and the surgeon you choose. In a general hospital, it will cost you around thousand or more rupees.
I touched my penis to my partner's vagina and she missed her periods. I am very scared. A month has already passed. What can be the reason? Kindly suggest.
It's pretty dumb on your part. Surely you must realise that she may be pregnant. She should immediately consult a gynaecologist. If she is pregnant and the pregnancy is under 49 days counting from the first day of her last period, she can be prescribed tablets to terminate the pregnancy. If you delay, a surgical procedure will be required.
We got married recently and don’t want a baby for two to three years. What is the safest and best way to avoid pregnancy? I’ve heard that condoms are not 100 per cent safe. Also, my husband read that masturbation reduces penis size. Is this true?
If your periods are regular, the last seven days (counting from the first day of bleeding) of the cycle are safe. The 10th to 15th days are high risk days. The condom can be used on all days, but from the 10th to 15th day, insert a Today tablet in the vagina 20 minutes before the act for 100 per cent protection. Masturbation does not affect penis size.
My problem is somewhat typical. My girlfriend is five year older than me; I am 25 right now. We both love each other and want to marry, but our friends and family are against our decision. Our friends say we will have a problem in our sex life later. Is this true? Till what age can a woman conceive?
Listen to your heart and common sense rather than your friends. Children are a secondary factor. She can conceive till she has her periods till the late 40s. You can also adopt or have a test tube baby later.
I am a 35-year-old married man. I read that doing Kegel exercises helps avoid premature ejaculation and strengthen the penis. What equipment is needed for these exercises? And please give me instructions to follow the same.
The pubococcygeus or PC muscle, which forms a figure ‘8’ around the penis and rectum, is attached to the pubic bone in front and tailbone behind. To exercise it, stop urine flow for a second and start again. Do this several times during the day.
We are newly married and are both virgins. On the first night, we tried to have intercourse, but I couldn’t penetrate. We had ample foreplay and were both aroused, but when I tried to insert, my wife complained of a burning sensation. Her opening is very small; only a portion of my finger went in. Is this normal? How can a large penis get into such a small hole? We are scared rather than excited about sex.
The opening may seem small but it can expand to deliver a baby. Do a lot of foreplay and try inserting a finger. Only when the vagina is fully wet, enter her with her legs propped up on your shoulders.
I have read the Kamasutra and have always tried to practice it in my marriage. Keeping a woman happy, I understand, is important. But how do you convince your wife that performing a fellatio is not disgusting. (Keeping in mind that she has been never subjected to the effects of an orgasm) 2. What is cyber sex? 3. If a married couple are apart for months and if I were to request my wife to indulge in sexwith me over a webcam, is it wrong? How do you ease her into being comfortable about such an act? 4. Over long periods of time, sex become routine and boring. One has to find ways of keeping it enjoyable. How to explain this to the wife ?
The Kamasutra is correct, but you must treat your partner as an equal, so if she doesn’t want to do something, respect her wishes. 2. Cyber-sex is a kind of masturbation where the stimulation comes from talking to the partner. 3 &4. Use your powers of reasoning to assure your wife that it is okay to experiment.
I am 31-year-old unmarried virgin. I have never been exposed to sex, nor do I want to lose my virginity to anyone else but my wife. I have been masturbating for 10 to 12 years. What is the difference in level of satisfaction between masturbation and intercourse? Kindly advise.
Firstly, the emotions of joint intimacy cannot be experienced by masturbation. The sensations can differ. Experience it for yourself when the time comes.
When sex hurts
Unless you are careful, those pleasure romps can leave you struggling with pain. Dr Rajan Bhonsle tells you how to protect yourself
Physical intimacy is a significant indicator of a man-woman relationship. It is said that if the sex is good, then it’s only 10 per cent of the relationship, but if it isn’t, it becomes 90 per cent of the relationship. Sex is essentially designed for “pleasure”. However sometimes people get hurt during sexual encounters and there are several reasons for the same.
Cuts, bruises, abrasions A common complaint among men and women is developing cuts, bruises and even injuries to genitals during intercourse. Lack of ‘adequate’ lubrication is invariably the ONLY cause. Early penetration while the vagina is still dry can cause abrasions or even cuts.
Dealing with it: Engage in relaxed and prolonged foreplay for at least 20 minutes before intercourse to ensure adequate lubrication. Both men and women have special glands in their genitalia that produce lubricating secretions to facilitate smoother intercourse.
These glands are activated only on genuine sexual arousal and it takes about 15 to 20 minutes of mutual foreplay for that to happen. Good foreplay is one when both partners are ‘willing’ and enjoy pleasuring each other. Adequate foreplay will produce adequate natural lubrication which eliminates any possibility of pain.
Point to remember: Many women are apprehensive about intercourse and hence are unable to respond comfortably during the first few times. She might involuntarily tighten her vaginal muscles making penetration painful and sometimes impossible. This may also happen because her emotional involvement is not yet ripe. In such cases, it is advisable to wait a little and not rush into things.
Tight hymen
Some women have a very tight and thick hymen since birth such that it cannot be torn via penetration. Then, if the penetration is forced, the tearing of a thick hymen can cause injury, severe pain and bleeding.
Dealing with it: Such a hymen requires a small surgery (Hymenectomy) where it is opened surgically under anesthesia. Until and unless such a surgery is performed, it may not be correct to indulge in forcible intercourse.
Paraphimosis
A problem faced by men, here the foreskin gets entrapped behind the glans during penetrative sexual intercourse (or even during violent masturbation), and cannot be slid back to its usual flaccid position covering the glans. As a result, the foreskin swells, leading to inflammation and pain. If the condition persists or there is any sign of lack of blood supply, it should be treated as a medical emergency as it can result in serious complications including gangrene.
Dealing with it: Ideally the foreskin needs to retract on an erect penis enough to expose the whole of the glans-penis. This may either happen on its own on full erection or one may have to do it manually before penetration. But if the retraction is not possible or is painful, the condition is known as ‘Phimosis’. It’s best to undergo a circumcision before attempting
penetrative sexual intercourse.
Penile fracture
Even though there are no actual bones in a penis, it is possible to fracture or break one’s penis. It occurs when an erect penis hits or bangs against a less flexible (or a hard) surface. This may happen if under excitement, the man forcefully thrusts his penis, over-runs or misses the vaginal opening and hits into a harder area such as the pubic bone.
If the object is tough enough and the erect penis is banged with enough intensity, the thick membrane (tunica albuginea) covering the corpora cavernosa of the penis can crack causing an audible sound, severe bruising, pain, immediate loss of erection and a penis that is classically bent towards one side or the other.
Dealing with it: Penile fracture is a surgical emergency and should be attended to urgently. The treatment consists of early surgical intervention to reinstate the torn tunica albuginea and rescue the ability to urinate and erectile function.
Anal sex
You may fancy ‘anal sex’, but the act carries a huge risk of pain and injury. Physiologically, the anus is not designed for penetration by any hard object. As a protective reflex action, the anal sphincter tightens if stimulated. Any attempt at penile insertion may be distressing even if done slowly and gradually and if the penis is forced in, an injury is possible.
Also, the tears can enlarge to a fissure or cracks that are painful and slow to heal. There is also a possibility that a fistula could open up, allowing faeces to reroute into the abdominal cavity or into the vagina leading to serious surgical complications.
Dealing with it: Refraining from anal sex is the best way out.
Dr Rajan Bhonsle is a senior sex therapist and counsellor
Medical science strongly recommends that until you find the cause of this pain, do not indulge in intercourse. If you continue, matters will only get worse and a physical problem can turn into a deep-rooted psychological one.
Here are some of the causes and conditions when sex can hurt.
Why you are not getting pregnant
Dr Rajan Bhonsle lists the common reasons why you are unable to conceive
If a young and healthy couple has been trying for a baby for 12 months without success, they must investigate the cause, preferably with the help of an infertility specialist. Some of the reasons that hinder conception are as follows.Incorrect intercourse
Assess for yourself if you are performing 'peno-vaginal' intercourse in the correct fashion. A marriage may remain unconsummated due to:
• Lack of knowledge about how to perform peno-vaginal intercourse
• Lack of sexual attraction
• Mismatch in sexual orientation
• Difficulties in men such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, an abnormal tightness of the foreskin, Peyronie's disease etc.
• Difficulties in women such as vaginismus, pain during intercourse, tight and unbroken hymen, narrow introitus etc.
If peno-vaginal intercourse is not the problem, have the man’s semen tested for sperm count and motility.
Low Frequency
Conception happens only when sperm meets ovum (egg). Each month one ovum is released by one of the two ovaries. This ovum remains available for about 24 to 48 hours. Ovulation occurs around 14 days before the first day of the next menstrual cycle. About five days before and after this day, including the day of ovulation is when there’s a higher possibility of pregnancy. If the frequency is low, a couple might miss the day of ovulation. It needs only one single intercourse for a woman to get pregnant; however it needs to happen on the day of ovulation or immediately around it.
Artificial lubricant
Artificial lubricants tend to trap sperms and do not allow them to swim towards ovum. Many are also spermicidal in their composition
You are not ovulating
In some women ovulation either does not occur at all or occur irregularly. This can be found out by a sonography. If ovulation is not occurring, there are several medical reasons and a gynecologist should be consulted for treatment.
Uterine lining is damaged
Endometrium (inner lining of uterus) needs to be healthy for the implantation of the fertilized ovum (zygote) to occur. If endometrium is damaged, pregnancy does not occur. The common causes of endometrial damage are infections including STDs, tuberculosis etc.
Blocked fallopian tubes
Ovum gets transported from ovary to uterus through fallopian tubes. If they are blocked, the possibility of ovum meeting the sperm is hampered. Infections and tuberculosis are common reasons for blocked tubes.
Unable to 'hold on'
There are times, when sperm meets ovum and conception takes place, however uterus is unable to hold on to the pregnancy due to loose/lax mouth of the uterus (cervix) and a miscarriage occurs. There are women who suffer from repeated miscarriages and are unable to continue the pregnancy for nine months.
Combined infertility In some cases each partner is independently fertile but as a combination the couple cannot conceive together without medical assistance. The cause in such cases is often suspected to be either immunological or genetic in nature.
Unexplained infertility
There are instances when the above mentioned problems don't exist, yet the couple is unable to have a baby. Up to 26 per cent of infertile couples have unexplained infertility. In these cases, abnormalities are likely to be present but cannot be detected by available methods. Even the most experienced infertility specialist is unable to ascertain the reason and the adoption is suggested.
Up to 26 per cent of infertile couples have unexplained infertility
(Dr Rajan Bhonsle is a senior sex therapist and counsellor)
Why your woman might fake it in bed
Dr Suman Bijlani lists women’s common sexual concerns and what they mean for men
Wonder why your wife/girlfriend seems “off sex” of late? Why does she complain of a headache just when you are in the mood? Fact is, as with men, sex is a big issue for women too. Only, due to conditioning or lack of awareness, most women don’t articulate them.
Generally, women realise they have sexual problems only when:
• It affects their relationship
• Their partner starts complaining
• When they are depressed
• When they themselves get involved in an extra-marital affair.
Also, the nature of problems differs slightly with age.
Younger women: Sexual problems relate more to body image issues and ‘performance anxiety’. Especially if they feel sex is the only way they can hold on to their relationship.
Older women: Sex boils down to a chore or duty after years of marriage/relationship. It then manifests in pains, aches, lack of orgasm and other physical symptoms.
The bottomline: Don’t blame your dull sex life on her PMS or mood swings. Gynaecologist Dr Suman Bijlani of Gyneguide tells you how to read between the lines.
Problem: Lack of interest
Message: Foreplay continues throughout the day
A woman wants her man to make her feel special throughout the day. This sets up her mood for the special night. In a marriage, being interested in the house or taking care of the children is important. Conflicts with kids affects her relationship with her husband. Hence make that special effort to show you care — through messages, gifts, a special outing etc.
Problem: Poor Body image
Message: I want to feel beautiful when I am with you
A woman might shy away from intercourse due to poor body image — a result of low self-esteem. If her partner nags her about her lack of perfection, it can affect her sexual confidence. It’s foolhardy to say things like ‘your hips are too wide’ or ‘breasts are too small’ and later expect her to perform in bed. For a woman, the only solution is to work on herself as a person. Men get attracted by a woman’s confidence.
Problem: Faking it
Message: Orgasm isn’t everything
Men tend to focus only on orgasm, but often for a woman, great foreplay is enough. Hence, ensure she is happy with the quality of sex. If she fakes an orgasm, it means she isn't satisfied and doesn’t trust you enough to tell you. Such a behaviour points to chinks in the relationship, hence work on them first.
Problem: frequency issues
Message: I am no sex machine
Some men want sex every day, but with women, many other factors need to be in place. There is no ideal time or frequency for sex,but if the frequency of desire is very disparate, seek help. If a woman is stressed or has resentments towards her man, it reflects in lack of interest in sex.
Problem: Pain during sex
Message: Be considerate in bed
A common problem, painful intercourse can result from vaginal infection or if the partner is very aggressive. Pain is of two types. Superficial pain: which occurs at the time of insertion. Or deep pain: that’s usually pathological or due to endometriosis or infections. This needs to be taken seriously. Using a lubricant or increasing foreplay can help.
Problem: body odour
Message: please be pleasant
Both men and women can suffer from fungal infections, tinea infection and similar problems that lead to body odour. To stimulate a woman’s interest in sex, it is essential that the man maintains a pleasant personality and smells good as well. Taking the point further, he should make an effort to look good for his woman. It leads to a better response in bed.
Problem: Fear of pregnancy
Message: take care of protection
It’s often the fear of pregnancy that makes women shy away from sex. For good sex, it’s important for both partners to be equally aware and responsible for contraception.
Why your condom may NOT work
It is your best armour against unwanted pregnancies and STDs, but a lot depends on how you use it. Here are the most common faux pas that reduce its effectiveness
| Condoms aren’t 100 per cent effective. Using and storing them in an incorrect manner can significantly lower their effectiveness. Dr Rajan Bhonsle lists the most common mistakes that you must watch out for. • Storage issuesHow you store your condom has a bearing on its effectiveness during intercourse. If they are exposed to heat, for instance when kept in your wallet or the glove compartment of a car, the latex tends to break down. As a result, the condom might give in easily when used. Word of advice: Always store your condom in a cool and dry place, like a bedside drawer. • Opening move Be extremely careful when putting on the condom. Fingernails can puncture them without your knowledge. Also, when tearing the packet, avoid using your teeth or any sharp object. Word of advice: No matter how eager you are, handle with care. A minuscule of space is all that the naughty sperm needs. • Two is troubleThis is one area where double doesn’t mean better. One condom offers good protection, but using two of them simultaneously, one over the other is no good. On the contrary, it increases the chances of the condoms slipping or tearing. Word of advice: Don’t be greedy. One is good enough. • Wear it rightThe condom covers only the penis — the scrotums, groin and area around it remain unprotected. Any cuts, abrasions, invisible scratches and skin infections in or around the genitalia area could allow exchange of body fluids. This can lead to transmission of infection. The degree of protection that condoms provide against STDs and HPV infection from this area is extremely low. Word of advice: The most reliable way to avoid infection is to refrain from sexual relations — vaginal, oral, or anal — with strangers or multiple partners. It’s safer to be in a long-term, mutually monogamous relationship with a known, uninfected partner. • Anal sex Regular condoms are not designed for anal sex as the act involves a totally different kind of pressure dynamics. The normal latex or polyurethane ones are far more susceptible to tear and hence, put you at a risk of various STDs and even HIV. Indulging in anal sex even while using the condom can definitely be categorised as ‘high risk behaviour’. Word of advice: Refrain from anal sex. • Artificial lubricantsMost of the condoms available are pre-lubricated. However, if you feel the need for extra lubrication, the choice of lubricant becomes crucial. Water-based or silicone-based lubricants are safe to use with condoms. Oil-based lubricants are not. They weaken the latex and can damage the condom making it highly unreliable and unsafe. Word of advice: Avoid using Vaseline, cooking oil, butter, or baby oil as lubricants if you have a condom on during intercourse. • After the actNot withdrawing the penis at the correct time can play spoilsport to an otherwise safe encounter. If the penis loses its erection and becomes soft, there are chances that the condom might be left in the vagina or slip off and spill the semen in and around the vagina. Word of advice: Hold the condom from the base and withdraw your penis soon after you ejaculate. When used right… • Condoms are 86 to 98 per cent effective at preventing unwanted pregnancy. • They help some men have better ejaculatory control and thus help them last longer during intercourse. As a result, the intercourse can be more pleasurable for both partners. • They prevent spillage of semen in and around the vagina, making the act less messy. • The dotted and ribbed versions can help enhance pleasure by providing variety in stimulation How to wear it The condom is to be worn only on an erect penis, and just before penetration. It is packed with its borders rolled up. When putting it on, unroll it over the erect penis, till it opens fully and covers the entire erect penis. There is a small pocket at the tip that collects the semen after ejaculation. Pinch this pocket to avoid any air trappings. (Dr Rajan Bhonsle is a senior sex therapist and counsellor and head of department of sexual medicine at KEM Hospital) |
Upside down
If you think Viagra and other erectile drugs are passport to satisfying sexual encounters, think again. Dr Mahinder Watsa warns you of their side-effects
| It's a growing phenomenon to find all health related issues being prescribed a pill. Common cold, a mild headache, to generally feeling down and out, everything comes with a pill to snap you out of it. Sex then, is no exception. Increasingly, we find young men, with no apparent major sexual problem, taking to drugs meant to help the ones suffering from erectile dysfunction. To make matters worse, hardly anyone realise the adverse repercussions of such self-medication. A temporary boost in their sexual performance, may land their long-term wellness in jeopardy. The larger picture The fast food generation is slowly forgetting the art of love and depend excessively on easily available drugs to whip-up their flagging sex life. Scientists may credit Sildenafil as ‘the magic bullet to help couples have deeper and more satisfying sexual encounters.’ But the truth is, the drug doesn't cause an automatic erection. For it to be effective, mental and tactile stimulation and foreplay engagement is required. Ask the pro Vatsayana of the Kamasutra fame has suggested many ways to stimulate desire and performance for sexual happiness. He was innovative enough to come up with seven different ways of kissing, eight varieties of touch, four methods of stroking the body and eight sounds that may be emitted during sex and foreplay. How can drugs, meant to delay ejaculation or correct erectile dysfunction, replace the bond that lovers feel when they touch, kiss, cuddle and care for each other? Blame your priorities A survey among youngsters revealed an interesting facet. In terms of priorities, a good career was ranked the highest (by almost 60 per cent), followed by social service (18 per cent) and then a happy marriage (13 per cent). If your priorities are lopsided how do you expect to be sexually satisfied? Sex and love aren't water-tight compartments in a marriage. One aspect invariably affects the other. If you don’t make time for your lover, how do you expect to sexually and emotionally connect? The risk While overuse of any drug always comes with risks or side-effects, an over usage of Sildenafil can lead to a series of serious side-effects such as addiction to the drug, headache and dizziness. Image makeover People still rely on the clichéd 'macho' image, with many men behaving as if their brains are located below their belts. Many mistakenly believe that if they take a tablet, they will perform better. Just one failure at sexual intercourse (which is a perfectly normal occurrence) may land them in wrongly using an erectile dysfunction drug. If they improve their lifestyle, get rid of misconceptions, modify priorities and work on their attitude, chances are, that they would never require such drugs. The real reasonTo be sexually happy, one needn't join the 'Erectile Dysfunction' club. One of the following could be your reasons for the occasional non-performance: • Overeating and being obese • Alcohol, smoke or drug abuse • Guilt of an extramarital relationship • Pressure to perform with an extramarital partner • Overwork • Anxiety and tension • Lack of exercise  • Problems in your sex life can also be side-effects to certain illnesses and disorders. In such cases, relying on erectile drugs can only make matters worse. In many cases, diabetes or cardiac problems are discovered when the person complains of 'sexual problems'.• At times, drugs that are meant to correct disorders, disrupt normal sexual functioning leading to dysfunction issues. For instance, diuretics, anti-hypertensives and anti-convulsants, etc are known to have adverse effects on one's sex life. As awareness grows, physicians are now being careful during the prescription stage itself. Various studies are being carried out to study the relationship between these drugs and one's sex life. When it's actually needed Erectile dysfunction drugs may be required temporarily to regenerate interest. The inability to get a good erection in a young man causes unnecessary anxiety and tension and can even lead to suicide in extreme cases. The only instance where erectile drugs are useful (among normal adults) is to restore their confidence and show them they 'can' get an erection. No amount of drugs can help the couple to achieve sexual happiness. The key lies in solving interpersonal differences, believing in equal partnership and caring for each other’s wishes. |
Is Fighting Really Good For Your Relationship?
A few years back, a friend of mine called me from a hospital. “Khris, I need your help. I am at (so-and-so) hospital, badly bruised; I need you to come here and take me back home.” I freaked. But rather than asking too many questions, I hailed the next auto and rushed to the hospital ER.
“What? Why?” were the only two words that I managed to ask when I saw him, sitting on a wheelchair; with cuts and scrapes; forehead bandaged in true Bollywood style.
After I took him home and he settled down, he told me his story.
“We fought.” (The couple fought often).
To keep the conversation light I joked, I hope she isn’t responsible for your “condition”.
“In a way, she was,” came the reply.
I gulped. Here we go.
Earlier that day, the couple, who’ve been seeing each other for over a year, fought over some, same useless topic; but that day, it turned ugly. My friend got so upset after the fight (which happened in an auto in peak-time traffic), that in a fit of spontaneity, he wanted to get out of the auto and leave. Only it didn’t strike him that traffic had started moving, and as he jumped out, the auto zoomed ahead. The result? He went tumbling down the road, and banged his head against the divider. Later, he told me how he thanked God in heaven there was not much traffic behind him, or else he would have been roadkill.
I am, however, happy to inform that the two are not seeing each other anymore; and he is happily married as well.
Makes me wonder; what makes people go crazy when they fight with a lover?
Red flags
Continuous fighting in a relationship could show signs of it breaking apart. Take for example someone I knew during college days. She was perennially angry with her then boyfriend. The otherwise docile, sweet girl turned into Miss Crazy. She would fling things at him, scream at the top of her voice. It was like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde story. He brought out the worst in her, and she could not help but behave the way she did. It was out of control. After much counselling, she decided to give him the boot; and needless to say, she is back to her happy self again.
As you can imagine, I find it strange when people say fighting is good for your relationship. I, for one, don’t really believe in it; but sometimes, when I cannot help but unnecessarily pick silly fights with my significant other, I am surprised at how gratifying it is!
A friend of mine tells me, “Sometimes I love fighting with my husband because it brings us closer together.”
Another friend complains, “I hate fighting with my husband; but I really can’t stand it when he intentionally irritates me with mundane things. We end up fighting all the time. And he thinks I like to pick a fight, when actually, I don’t.”
Stop!
What I have realised through the years is that the ‘whys’ of fighting cannot be explained. The idea is to know and understand what can be done.
Believe it or not, there are rules to have a healthy and fair fight! These rules help you have a healthy ‘discussion’ (yes, we don’t call it ‘fighting’ anymore!), and will also help you develop good communication levels between the both of you. Take a look at these rules of fighting, as explained by a couple of relationship counsellors I spoke to.
“What? Why?” were the only two words that I managed to ask when I saw him, sitting on a wheelchair; with cuts and scrapes; forehead bandaged in true Bollywood style.
After I took him home and he settled down, he told me his story.
“We fought.” (The couple fought often).
To keep the conversation light I joked, I hope she isn’t responsible for your “condition”.
“In a way, she was,” came the reply.
I gulped. Here we go.
Earlier that day, the couple, who’ve been seeing each other for over a year, fought over some, same useless topic; but that day, it turned ugly. My friend got so upset after the fight (which happened in an auto in peak-time traffic), that in a fit of spontaneity, he wanted to get out of the auto and leave. Only it didn’t strike him that traffic had started moving, and as he jumped out, the auto zoomed ahead. The result? He went tumbling down the road, and banged his head against the divider. Later, he told me how he thanked God in heaven there was not much traffic behind him, or else he would have been roadkill.
I am, however, happy to inform that the two are not seeing each other anymore; and he is happily married as well.
Makes me wonder; what makes people go crazy when they fight with a lover?
Red flags
Continuous fighting in a relationship could show signs of it breaking apart. Take for example someone I knew during college days. She was perennially angry with her then boyfriend. The otherwise docile, sweet girl turned into Miss Crazy. She would fling things at him, scream at the top of her voice. It was like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde story. He brought out the worst in her, and she could not help but behave the way she did. It was out of control. After much counselling, she decided to give him the boot; and needless to say, she is back to her happy self again.
As you can imagine, I find it strange when people say fighting is good for your relationship. I, for one, don’t really believe in it; but sometimes, when I cannot help but unnecessarily pick silly fights with my significant other, I am surprised at how gratifying it is!
A friend of mine tells me, “Sometimes I love fighting with my husband because it brings us closer together.”
Another friend complains, “I hate fighting with my husband; but I really can’t stand it when he intentionally irritates me with mundane things. We end up fighting all the time. And he thinks I like to pick a fight, when actually, I don’t.”
Stop!
What I have realised through the years is that the ‘whys’ of fighting cannot be explained. The idea is to know and understand what can be done.
Believe it or not, there are rules to have a healthy and fair fight! These rules help you have a healthy ‘discussion’ (yes, we don’t call it ‘fighting’ anymore!), and will also help you develop good communication levels between the both of you. Take a look at these rules of fighting, as explained by a couple of relationship counsellors I spoke to.
Never:So, is fighting really good for your relationship? There will always be differing thoughts on the subject. The key is to have open communication so that there is no scope for misunderstanding.
* Use bad language while fighting.
* Threaten to terminate your relationship, just for the sake of gaining an upper hand.
* Become judgmental about his character if it has nothing to do with the fight.
* Use force (hands, feet, vessels, mobile phones) to show power.
* Quote past experiences. Let bygones be bygones.
* React! Yes, reaction is an emotional process that could make the situation worse.
Always:
* Respond! A response is to find a solution to the problem. This can lead to creative handling of future problems.
* Fight when both of you are calm and composed.
* Fight in a place where you will not be disturbed. Make sure the kids or a third-party are not around.
* Make sure that if he begins what he has to say, you allow him to end it. DO NOT interrupt him.
* Remember to express what you are feeling at that exact same moment. Don’t hesitate to say it if you are feeling “sad”, rather than “angry” at that point of time.
Making up tips…
Post fighting, both of you need your space to settle your emotions and get back together. Here’s what you do:
* Doing something that is ‘not you’ can be bring relief to the tension in your fights. Surprise him, do something that you would usually never do. Get him flowers, candy, or say things to him that you would normally never say. (Nice things, of course!)
* Say sorry. If it was your fault and you know it, say sorry.
* Celebrate! Once a resolution has been reached, celebrate the occasion. A candle light dinner, good sex. In other words, be close to each other.
* Last but not the least, FORGET about the issues that caused hurt. Rather, concentrate on the solutions that you have come up with.
HE’S A SHY GUY!
Most guys aren't good when it comes to emotional stuff. So how can you tell if a guy is in into you? BT tells you how...
They say girls are impossible to figure. But the same can be said about guys too, that’s because girls allegedly are willing to disclose all their worries, the moment they find a listening ear. However, traditionally most guys avoid mushy stuff because they are usually bad with emotional stuff. They don’t like to talk about their feelings and are usually bad communicators. So how are you girls out there supposed to figure out men? You like this particular guy but you can’t tell if he likes you? Here are some pointers:
He talks about his personal life - Most guys don’t like talking about their personal life, simply because they have to live up to their tough macho image. The very fact that this guy is sharing information
about his personal life regarding his family, worries etc. means that he trusts you and likes to talk about stuff that guys usually don’t like talking about.
He does chores for you - When a guy offers to do your assignments, project work or even doing simple things like taking your doggie for a walk shows that he likes you. And if he accompanies you for shopping even though you can see him getting bored, this guy definitely likes you!
He asks for your opinions and help - If the guy in question, seeks your advice on solving professional problems like dealing with his boss, or picking up a gift for his parents or his friends, chances are that he is smitten by you. That’s because he cherishes your opinion and definitely looks up to your advice.
He often gives you lovely gifts - Gifting something is different from gifting something you like a lot. When a guy manages you gives you the ideal gift according to you, its a sign that he is paying a lot attention to you, your likes and dislikes.
He introduces you to his folks - Whenever a guy introduces a girl to his parents, especially his mother, it’s a sure sign that he likes you. A guy doesn’t introduce any random girl to his mommy dearest.
You’re a part of his inner circle - If you’re invited to his house even for a casual lunch or hanging out with his cousins or go for a double date with his closest pals, this guy is into you. Making you a part of his inner circle, sends signals that you are important to him.
He talks about his personal life - Most guys don’t like talking about their personal life, simply because they have to live up to their tough macho image. The very fact that this guy is sharing information
about his personal life regarding his family, worries etc. means that he trusts you and likes to talk about stuff that guys usually don’t like talking about.
He does chores for you - When a guy offers to do your assignments, project work or even doing simple things like taking your doggie for a walk shows that he likes you. And if he accompanies you for shopping even though you can see him getting bored, this guy definitely likes you!
He asks for your opinions and help - If the guy in question, seeks your advice on solving professional problems like dealing with his boss, or picking up a gift for his parents or his friends, chances are that he is smitten by you. That’s because he cherishes your opinion and definitely looks up to your advice.
He often gives you lovely gifts - Gifting something is different from gifting something you like a lot. When a guy manages you gives you the ideal gift according to you, its a sign that he is paying a lot attention to you, your likes and dislikes.
He introduces you to his folks - Whenever a guy introduces a girl to his parents, especially his mother, it’s a sure sign that he likes you. A guy doesn’t introduce any random girl to his mommy dearest.
You’re a part of his inner circle - If you’re invited to his house even for a casual lunch or hanging out with his cousins or go for a double date with his closest pals, this guy is into you. Making you a part of his inner circle, sends signals that you are important to him.
Standing stalled?
Dr Mahinder Watsa gives tips to ensure your penis doesn’t fail you when you need it the most
| Despite the distress and anxiety, even an awkward condition like erectile dysfunction can be easily controlled with a few lifestyle alterations. While a large component of the condition is psychological, a few positive habits can go a long way in dealing with the physical factors as well. Here are a few ideas to keep your anxiety in check. • Love is important When your work enters the bedroom, in many instances, it’s the beginning of the end. While a career is important, earning it at the cost of your relationship defeats its very purpose. Lack of communication has an immediate reaction on your chemistry, and while it starts to plummet, intimacy and love goes amiss. Slowly, sex gets monotonous. And when you don’t feel attracted to your partner, how on earth can you expect your organ to play its part? On the other hand, when you are genuinely attracted to your partner, you wouldn’t need give your erection another thought. • A one off thing Here’s a fact: sometimes, you won’t be able to perform in bed. No matter what you do, it will happen. And it’s okay. It is a very typical human glitch. Stop aspiring for a sex life with a six-sigma rating. What’s important is to not get too worked up about the 'one' instance, because overreacting to an isolated incident will ruin it for the next time as well. Laugh it off and move on. You will be just fine. If you get an erection during masturbation, but not during intercourse, it indicates that there’s a problem in your head, not your penis. • Comfort your partner If your partner is too scared of sex (thinking that it will hurt), the guilt factor, it too can at times cause your erection to skip a beat. Due to the partner’s negative response, the man often refrains from making a move and apprehensions grow stronger than desire. Educated your self to find a reason to her hesitation and apprehensions and try and come up with a solution. Clear her myths, if any. Being her partner, you can also be the best counsellor. If nothing works out, consult a sexologist. Gaining the confidence of your partner will work wonders for your own drive. • Move around Think of it this way. You start your exercise regimen on Monday, drag yourself to the gym on Tuesday, excuse yourself on Wednesday, followed by a ‘genuine’ reason on Thursday and blame the weekend laziness for the other days. And it all goes down the drain — your gym membership and your health. However, the next time you are short on motivation, consider your sex life. Lack of exercise means poor blood circulation in the body which will directly impact your erection. Write down six simple exercises (such as push-ups, jogging on the spot etc) and perform each for two minutes every morning. That’s 12 minutes in a day. Not too demanding, is it? • Drink less, don’t smoke If possible, do not have alcohol. However, if you must, ensure that you have it in moderation. Heavy drinking leads to a host of problems, including damaging your liver. And poor health slowly translates to a poor erection. Smoking on the other hand is a strict no-no. Various studies conducted have established a clear relationship between smoking habits and erectile problems. Chewing tobacco should also be avoided completely. • Watch your weight… Stay away from diabetes. High sugar level in the body is a common cause of erectile dysfunction. A lot of men often live with undetected diabetes and as a result, get worked up about their erection problems. The best way out is to keep sugar levels (and your weight) under check. Periodic examinations will ensure that you detect warning signs much before they cause damage. • Manage stress levels When your boss’ unrealistic expectations hit the roof and you have an important presentation to make next morning, intimacy and sex (which are normally high on the priority ladder) don’t seem important enough. Or simply put, you don’t seem to be in the mood. It’s understandable, but living with such stress for a prolonged period of time can be the reason for your erectile problems. If you cannot change the source of stress, learn to deal with it better. Learn breathing techniques, meditation, calming exercises and switch off when required. Sometimes you won’t be able to perfom. It’s ok. Stop aspiring for a sex life with a six-sigma rating |
The worst reasons to propose
You want to pop the question, but if the motive is one of these... don’t!
| “She's a nice girl”If “nice” is the only good thing you have to say about your potential partner, it isn’t enough. Nice-ness will help you tide over superficial social situations, but as matrimonial compatriots you need to share interests, goals and personalities. “We’ve been together so long” It’s great that you’re still seeing your childhood sweetheart, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her? And if you do, why are you asking yourself all these questions? You may feel compelled to propose because it’s the logical next step or out of loyalty, but think of the years ahead. Do you feel trapped? Then step back before jumping in. “But all my friends are doing it” Being the only single on a table of couples can be awkward but that’s not a reason to get married. Imagine how much more awkward it would be to be at home with a partner who does not gel with you at all. “My parents like her” But do you like her? Hitching yourself to a girl your parents like will appease them only for a short while. However, mummy-pappa are not going to grow old with her and you will need more than your parents’ approval to make the relationship last. “I’m close to her family” Admittedly you would feel guilty for “letting down” her family, but in the long run, it would be better than engaging her in a half-hearted marriage. You can strike the right balance by breaking up with dignity and staying on genial terms with her family, but just like with your parents, your marriage should not be based on what they think is right. “She wants me to” So you are getting married to comply with her wishes? How long is that going to last? Like every resolution, if your changes are not self-motivated, they won’t be permanent. And her demands are only going to become more persistent as she tries to mould you into her perfect man, which will make you resentful. Nip it in the bud. “We’ve had sex” Physical intimacy does not ensure a happy marriage. It could be used a tool of emotional manipulation by either party and if that happens, think about whether you would be happy with such a person. Eventually, a child will be involved and it will not be in his/her best interest to be with parents who are together not for love or compatibility, but only because they slept together. So end things quietly and be a gentleman — don’t kiss and tell. |
Mush ado about nothing
| You may look down upon the paperback romance genre, but you cannot get away from the fact that one romance novel is sold every four seconds. Lovers are obviously not intimidated by cynics and everyone wants a bit of moonshine in their life. Clare Somerville, GM of Mills & Boon India, talks about what makes a love story enduring and how you can turn your own romance into the stuff of legends. • A moral setting Attraction thrives in a moral universe. In any love story, there is no doubt about the protagonists’ motives. They may be misunderstood at times, but they are never downright liars, thieves or adulterers. These are always the qualities that draw a prospective suitor — integrity and honesty, which breeds trust. • Emotional fulfilment The physical encasing changes, but what every person wants is emotional fulfilment. With financial independence and the feminist movement, women no longer need men to fulfil their physical and financial needs. And men too. What everyone wants is an emotional companion; so listen up when your partner speaks and understand what they are really trying to communicate. • Focus on the partner It is no hidden fact that women are fans of romance novels more than men. And one of the things that draws them is the fact that the romantic hero always focuses on the woman. She has all his attention — verbally, physically and emotionally. And that really goes for both sexes — what you want from the perfect lover is to be the centre of his/ her universe. • SelflessnessThis one is hard to achieve, but true love is selfless and thus rare. Putting someone else above yourself does not mean you become a doormat, nor does it mean compromising on your values. It’s a fine balance of retaining your respect and space while being there for your loved ones. • ConflictA romantic plot relies on misunderstandings and conflict to resolve into a happy ending; just as no relationship is without its ups and downs. While secondary characters could play rivals or opposition in a story, in real life, there are geographical distances, conflicts of religion and opposition of parents that provide a thrill, though it may not seem like that when you are in the moment. The thing to remember is that this twist never changes the hero or heroine — they overcome it by riding it through on the strength of their character. They don’t change into somebody else or rely on underhanded tactics. And most importantly, they never lose their dignity. • Sexual tension One the driving factors in any love story — real or plotted — is the sexual tension. It’s what makes you flip page after page, even when you know how each book is going to end. So there is something to be said for restraint and holding back on physical intimacy. The charged environment can be equally enjoyable and when you do cross the physical barrier, it is nothing short of magical. • Self-understanding A romantic journey is one of self-understanding and finding one’s true self through each other. That is the ultimate aim of a romantic union. If your partner does not bring out the best in you and help you understand yourself, you need to introspect, and vice versa. • Positive resolution A romantic novel always has a positive resolution that may be hard to contrive in real life. However, always look at the glass half full. There’s something to be learnt from every relationship — it does not matter if it has a bitter ending. Introspect on what went wrong, build on your strengths, forgive and move on. It’s no use moping about a bad break-up and it only sours your romantic future. It is in your hands to orchestrate a positive ending in your life. There’s something to be learnt from every relationship, even if it ends bitterly |
If marriages are made in heaven, why do they break on earth?
It is often believed that marriages are made in heaven. The question is why do marriages break then? Let’s look at 6 common reasons and the possible remedies
| The tradition of arranged marriages still widely prevails in modern India and surprisingly its success rate is higher than love marriages. In a typical arranged marriage system it’s the family who decides on a match after subsequent meetings and tallying horoscopes of the couple in question. The reason of its higher success rate is aptly explained by Mumbai based Wing Commander A M Bajpai, “In arranged marriages it’s all about acceptance, whereas in case of love marriages, expectations never end.” Psychologist Neelam Saraswat argues that when a couple is courting each other, they usually look their best and do their best to impress each other. “However, the equation changes once they get married. You can’t obviously be at your best 24 hours a day! This sometimes hits hard to some couples and thus the rows begin,” she reasons. But then it’s not that arranged marriages do not break. One of the most alarming facts about the 21st century is that marriages are breaking every now and then. Let’s look at six common reasons behind a marriage failure: 1. Money VS Honey: Believe it or faint, money rules our life. After the initial bubblegum of romance bursts, couples seem to always argue over the buck. Too little or over pouring, money still remains an issue. How, whom, when and where to spend is a matter of conflict. 2. Kid’s quota: Contrary to the adage that a child brings a couple closer, it can actually do the opposite in some cases. A lot of couples fall into the trap of focusing too much on the upbringing of their children. They devote all their energy and time left after work in carving the right career and direction of their children’s lives. In the process, they gradually distance from each other and the gap becomes in filling till the time they realise. 3. Communication gap: If conversation has lessened between couples, take it as a warning bell. If you are fighting over the same issue over and over again, you may tend to tire of each other. Remember that there’s difference between listening and understanding. Do not sympathise but learn to empathise. 4. Intellectual and sexual incompatibility: If you tend to ignore these incompatibilities in the beginning, your relationship will gradually erode for sure. Deal with them at the right time and help your partner to overcome such weaknesses. Love, support and encouragement can do wonders. 5. In-laws: This factor plays a key role in the Indian society. Too much interference of in-laws and their tendency to rule their children’s lives can be detrimental to a couple’s relationship. 6. Time factor: you give time to what is valuable to you and if does not involve your spouse, there definitely lies a problem. Veteran actor Naseeruddin Shah says that it is only when these above killing factors start playing villain in a marriage, infidelity creeps in. “This is why infidelity is a pertinent issue and very much prevalent in our society,” he emphasises. However, marriage system should be encouraged, strengthened and supported feels Dr. Sameer Parikh. He says, ”Marriage is a selfless act of giving oneself to someone else and becoming one. It gives a stability which dozens of relationships together cannot match.” |
The sutra beyond kama
The ancient manual to love-making is not restricted to only the physical aspect of your relationship. It also holds the key to a healthy emotional bond with your partner
Rajan Bhonsle
| The notion that Kamasutra speaks solely of the physical aspect of sex is extremely skewed. The ancient scriptures spoke of varied methods of attaining spiritual enlightenment/growth, or nirvana as it is popularly understood, and sex was one of them. The purpose of Kamasutra was not merely to educate masses about different sexual techniques, but promote a healthy relationship between the partners and constructively use sexual energy. Several Western (and even some Indian) authors, interpreters and commentators have paid attention only to the sexual / physicality aspect, leading to the scripture’s misrepresentation. However, look deeper and the teachings of Kamasutra go far beyond sex. Here are some of them. Participation Many positions (Asanaas) depicted in the Kamasutra call for active and equal participation of the woman. Rather than sticking to the monotonous / boring missionary position where the woman is a rather passive receiver, the scripture encourages more pro-active positions. Only when there’s an equal contribution from both ends will the session truly be fulfilling and fruitful. There’s no posture that’s meant exclusively for the man, or the woman. The message:Be it sex or any other matter; ensure that you equally involve your partner. Participation is the key word. When you seek an active role from your partner, (in and out of bed) he/she feels wanted and the synergy between the two leads to greater fulfilment. That’s what samabhog (equal pleasure) is all about. Body image Vs. the body The varied techniques depicted in the scriptures make sex pleasurable for anyone irrespective of his/her body type and body shape. The person may be muscular, obese, or thin, body issues and pleasure are best not mixed, says Kamasutra. The message: Work on your body image. You can still make the best of your body provided you stop having unrealistic expectations of how it should look. Acceptance is the word. Magazine covers may be flooded with images of perfect bodies, but don’t let them sway you away from realism. Don’t let negative body image play spoilsport in your life, sex included. Touch matters The Kamasutra lays a lot of importance on touch, and not only during intercourse. Going by the texts, touch is of varied forms, each designated to arouse a unique sensation from the partner depending on his/her liking. However, the role of touch starts from the foreplay stage itself (at times, the foreplay lasting for hours together) and continues till the very end. The message: Do not undermine the power of small. That casual hug or the loving caress (initiated much before sex) can say a lot more about your feelings than the act itself. The touch may not even lead to anything, but is a very potent method of conveying your emotions. It will do more good to your relationship than most other things. Dress to impress The scriptures’ emphasis on shringaar cannot be undermined. Almost every character shown in the act in Kamasutra is embellished with elaborate ornaments. This includes men. The message: While it does depict the culture and traditions of the time when these texts were written, the underlying idea is that of looking good and dressing up for your partner. Many couples after a few years of courting lose the urge to look good (for each other). However, that’s wrong. Just like you take the effort to dress up for a certain occasion, it is important to look at least presentable (if not great) for your partner. Do not undermine the importance of how you look. Get rid of the complacent attitude. It communicates that your partner is not important any more. Go play The scriptures pay a lot of importance on the fun element of sex. That is what converts a rather boring, mechanical session to something that a couple looks forward to. Try all the experimenting you want. If the fun element is missing, there’s little that you can do. The message: Learn to have fun with each other. Start by non-sexual activities and build a rapport. Play games, travel together, discuss movies, and find stimulating conversations. When fun becomes easy, no matter what the occasion, the joy will by default be communicated to other aspects of the relationship as well. The Kamasutra also has advice on ways of making money and renewing friendship with a former lover (Dr Rajan Bhonsle is a consultant in sexual medicine and counsellor) |
What’s your STD IQ?
HIV is not the only concern when it comes to unsafe sex. Other STDs are far more common and it’s time you brush up your gyaan for a healthy, and fear free, sex life
Dr Mahinder Watsa
| Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) are becoming increasingly common due to lack of knowledge and unsafe sexual practices. It’s true that HIV is fatal, but ignoring the risks of other STDs can adversely affect your reproductive health in the long run. A thorough understanding of the risks involved is the only way to deal with them. Q. Are all STDs 100 per cent curable? Ans. It depends on the STD. Most STDs, if attended to in time, can be completely cured. However, some — such as Herpes — cannot be cured. Rather, it has to be managed. Hence, it is important to not take them lightly. More than the physical symptoms, STDs have an impact on your emotional health and your relationship with your partner. Many times, STDs show no symptoms at all, or only at an advanced stage Q. Condoms protect against all STDs, right? Ans. Trusting your condom to shield you against every STD can be a huge mistake. Condoms are known to be 95 to 97 per cent safe, but there’s still that risk space where you can get infected. Herpes and warts can be transmitted if the non-infected person comes in contact with the partner’s infected area. Nonetheless, a condom is better than no condom at all. If you plan to indulge in oral sex, always use flavoured condoms. Q. No symptoms means no STD? Ans. Wrong. To be thoroughly tested is the best way to ensure that you are free of infection. Many times, STDs show no symptoms at all, or show symptoms only when they have reached an advanced stage, having already caused damage to your system. In ignorance, you may even infect your partner. In the long run, STDs can cause serious harm such as infertility. It is important to always practise safe sex with a known partner. Consult your doctor if you have any doubt. Q. Are STDs recurring? Ans. If you can run a fever more than once in life, there’s no reason why you can’t get infected with STD more than once. Hence, due precaution is always advised. Also, a lot of people undergoing longer treatment skip the dosage once the symptoms disappear. They are under the impression that they have been cured. However, that’s far from true. They are putting themselves at risk of a relapse. Q. I have been diagnosed with an STD. Now what? Ans. First and foremost, consult a doctor and get adequate treatment. Do not wait for the symptoms to subside or your body to cure the infection on its own. That’s not going to happen. The sooner you seek medication, the better. Avoid every sexual contact while you are being treated; you may infect your partner. If you suspect your partner has an infection, inform him/her as soon as possible. (S)He may be unaware and may need medical help as well. Worse, (s)he may pass it on to someone else. Q. How can I prevent infection at all cost? Ans. Monogamy with a trusted partner is the best possible protection. More partners directly translate to higher risk. Q. Can infections be passed along by kissing? Ans. The chances are low, but it is certainly not impossible. Herpes, for instance, can be passed on via an open sore. Bottom line: refrain from all sexual contact until the infection is completely cured. Q. I am a virgin. I cannot be infected, right?Ans. Wrong. Intercourse is not the only way one can get infected. Coming in contact with an infected skin area (during foreplay for instance) can lead to an infection even if the session doesn’t lead to intercourse. Also, refer to the earlier point. Oral contact can also pave the way for infection. Monogamy with a trusted partner is the best possible protection Condoms are known to be 95 to 97 per cent safe against Sexually Transmitted Diseases |
Go, play
Intercourse minus adequate foreplay can drain the satisfaction out of your sex life. Dr Rajan Bhonsle tells you how to get the most out of fooling around
| When your woman complains of an ‘empty’ feeling post sex, don’t start doubting the size and its adequacy. More often than not, it’s lack of foreplay that is responsible for the dissatisfaction. An ideal sexual encounter, which satisfies both man and woman, would be one in which there is adequate, mutually satisfying and equally participated foreplay, and where the man does not attempt to penetrate unless the woman indicates that she is fully aroused. Here’s what you must keep in mind the next time you begin the countdown to ‘O’. What you need There are three pre-requisites for satisfying foreplay. The first is genuine attraction for each other, the second is complete privacy, and the third is a state of relaxation and harmony with no negative emotions such as fear, guilt, doubt, anxiety, anguish, distress, anger, despair or worry clouding the moment. Besides these prerequisites, it is also necessary that both the partners are in a state of good physical health without any pain, discomfort, illness or malady. How long? Indulging in foreplay is extremely important before intercourse. It should last till the partner is ready for intercourse and expresses such readiness. For partners who are attracted to each other, and share affection for each other, 15 - 20 minutes of foreplay is usually adequate. If the relationship is strained due to any reason, any length of foreplay may not be adequate, as the pre-requisites of relaxation and harmony are absent. The right spots When touched by a ‘loving partner’ at a ‘willing moment’ in a ‘special manner’, erogenous zones can give him/her intense physical pleasure. However, if the same areas are touched by a stranger at an unwelcome moment, they can be a put-off. Some obvious erogenous zones include the lips, breasts and genitals. Other erogenous zones could include the neck, ears, feet, and thighs, and usually vary from person to person. Explore your own and your partner’s body to find out exactly what the individual erogenous zones are. Communicate Both partners need to be comfortable with each other. They need to understand and value each other’s sexual needs and communicate openly and clearly about the feelings of pleasure or discomfort that the sexual activity causes. Don’t rush It is recommended to not rush into physical intimacy, but to get to know each other, feel comfortable and emotionally intimate with each other, so that such emotional intimacy naturally culminates into physical intimacy. Be gentle Be gentle during foreplay. Involve your partner lovingly and avoid aggressive touching and squeezing. Only when she is ready and well-lubricated, should you engage in intercourse. It Minimises pain Yes, intercourse may hurt for the first time, however the pain is transient. Moreover, it can be greatly minimised by helping each other relax, and if adequate foreplay is done to prepare each other for intercourse. Pain during intercourse is invariably due to a lack of lubrication and lack of lubrication is invariably due to inadequate and/or inappropriate foreplay. With satisfying and extended foreplay, it is always easier to enjoy intercourse and even experience orgasm. Relationship quotient Sexual activity is not meant only for procreation. It contributes to pleasure and enjoyment as well. It is also a means of intimate communication, bonding and expressing love for each other for which foreplay plays a pivotal role. The satisfaction or dissatisfaction contributes greatly to the attitudes and behaviour of both partners towards each other in other aspects of their relationship. Don’t ignore ‘afterplay’ A woman’s need for tender moments goes beyond the actual lovemaking. It is true that when a man is having sex, his endorphin level is very high. Almost immediately after ejaculation, he goes through a refractory phase in which he loses his erection. He crashes and all his systems gear down. Men tend to fall asleep due to this immediately after sex. This phase is instantaneous in men, whereas in women, it happens gradually. However among men, the sleep or tiredness is never so overpowering that they cannot overcome it. If a man wants to and cares enough, it is not very difficult for him keep awake. So junk that sleepiness and concentrate on her! Dr Rajan Bhonsle is a senior sex therapist and counselor When touched by a ‘loving partner’ at a ‘willing moment’ in a ‘special manner’, erogenous zones give intense pleasure |